Never a Bride, Never a Bridesmaid

I have this friend from my childhood.  Her name is Caroline; we met when were three and spent our childhood and pre teen years together.  We read American Girl Magazine together, threw a baby shower for our news dolls (and required everyone to bring a tangible gift-- which they did), and planned our wedding days together.  We obsessed over boys, held each other after romantic disappointments, and wrote screen plays to chronicle our adolescent love lives. Thank goodness no copies of those remain.

It was around age 14 that Caroline met someone else.  A new girl named Amanda that went to her school. She was louder, blonder, and richer than I was.  I hate to say it, but that made a difference in our friendship.  Caroline's family was pretty well off and we just didn't speak the same language in that sense.  And I guess that starts to make more and more of a difference the older you get.  Pretty soon I was pushed away-- the girl that went to public school-- in favor of the her fellow private school mate who also had a big house down the street in their gated community.

We still went to the same church though, and got together every once in a while.  When we did, it was like being 10 years old again, America Girl Magazine and all.  In my mind, every reencounter with what once was a wonderful friendship would lead to a rekindling.  I'm not sure what it meant in Caroline's eyes, but it was never what I hoped.

I have a boundary problem, I've learned.  I generally invest way too much in people that don't give much in return.  I think Caroline was the beginning of that pattern.  I wasn't aware that it was a problem until I received a text in August that she was engaged.  I was thrilled, of course.  She was my best friend growing up and in many ways, I still thought of her that way.  I had even talked her through the beginnings of her relationship with Adam and was immeasurably happy to see how far their love had grown.

Then her list of bridesmaids came out.  I was not on that list.  I tried to explain it away by thinking perhaps she was having a small wedding (she has 8 attendants) or that it would be too difficult with me out of state (one bridesmaid is in Thailand, another in France, and another in Poland).  I was hurt, to say the least.  But I shook it off, trying to remember that it was her wedding and I shouldn't let my baggage get in the way of my happiness for her.

So, in an attempt to turn a crappy situation into an awesome one, I invited by heterosexual life partner, Katherine, to be my date, after getting confirmation from Caroline that I'd be receiving a plus one.  But after I RSVP'd for us, I received an email from Caroline saying they'd "overbooked" the wedding and I wouldn't be able to bring Katherine.  Shortly there after I read a blog post by Amanda's mom about Caroline and Amanda's wonderful friendship and how they have stuck with each other from their American Girl days to their joint engagements.  I was flooded with emotion.

All of it was the linch pin for me.  Truths came crashing down on me- if Katherine had been a boy, she would not have been disinvited (an issue in and of itself), I should have been asked to be in the wedding, or at least I deserved an explanation.   More than anything, I realized that I cared for Caroline in a way that would never be reciprocated.  So I started to wonder why I should put in time and resources to celebrate someone that apparently finds me rather inconsequential.

I talked to my mom about it and she said mom things like "You and your life are much more interesting than Caroline" and "You have such wonderful friends and people in your life that love you-- don't let this one person hurt you like that."  We came to the conclusion that there are aspects of our relationship that I value and memories I would never give up.  And I am still so happy that she has fallen in love with a truly great man.  So my parents will be my date and we will only go to the ceremony, after which I will go out dancing with Katherine.

Look at that, a mature response to a rather silly and juvenile situation.  I must be growing or something.  Well not quite.  I started an embroidered pillow for the newlywed's that I have since decided to with hold.  I have to get my passive aggression in where I can.

I think I'll repurpose the pillow-in-progress to look like something inspired by one of these from BlueClouds.  Because Caroline would've hated them and I they're pretty well amazing.  Maybe I'll give it to Katherine because she's such a wonderful friend.

Do you have any wedding snafus to share?  Ever been slighted as a bridesmaid, or have any bridesmaid horror stories?  As much as I love a good love story, I'm much more in the mood to hear about the dark side of wedded bliss.