i just miss him, that's all

This room is cluttered.
Cluttered with distraction. Things to take my mind off of the fact that my grandpa's birthday would be wednesday and the very next day is thanksgiving.
I miss him.
I miss his hands the most. I miss feeling the aged wrinkles that come with a full life of love and experience.
I miss the smell of coffee in their house. I miss the way he would pray before each family meal. "And be it the nourishment of our bodies" he would always say. I being able to say "hi pa" and I miss hugging him goodbye. I never got to say goodbye.
Music helps, or it hurts. But it makes me remember. "Lullaby" by Billy Joel makes me cry now and "Winter" by Bayside is all too real. Our family is close, we love each other, we protect each other, we need each other, but most of all we need him. It's like we're all sharing the same dream and we'll wake up on Wednesday and he'll be home again, laughing at some Looney Tunes cartoon or watching a Cardinals game.
As a believer I know I'm supposed to take "solace" in the fact that he is in a better place now and he is home. I should be rejoicing they say. But I'm not. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe my faith's not as strong as it should be, but I want him here with me now. I want him to bring me flowers at a piano recital again. I want to steal the croutons off the salad before it's brought to the table again. I want to dance with him at my wedding. I want my kids to know him and love him like I do. It's not fair that they will never know him. He will just be a face in a photograph and a character in a story.
So call me selfish, but it's what I want.
You think that you've gotten over it. You think that you've grieved. But grief is a silent enemy. It shows it face at first and then hides under your skin, fooling you into thinking you're fine. And then all of the sudden you can't stop crying again and nothing feels the same anymore. Nothing seems important, nothing seems real, nothing seems worth it. You think you're well adjusted, you think you have a handle on it, but really you're spiraling out of control and there's no one there to catch you.
I'm falling faster, and maybe I need to fall so I know I what it feels like to pick myself back up. I'm tired of picking myself back up. I'm tired of doing things alone. I'm tired of smiling all the time and I'm tired of pretending everything's fine. Well here it is, I am officially telling all of you in this virtual world of honesty that everything is not fine.
I just miss him, that's all.