It's a hard thing realizing you need to let someone go. This, I'm sure, is not news to anyone. The only thing more difficult than that, is actually acting on it. The realization is the easy part, actually doing it... Well it's rough.
I just sent an email to Mr. Long Distance telling him a friendship between the two of us isn't possible anymore. The biggest regret I have is wishing the email was more beautifully written. I aired on the side of caution and gave him the facts and left out the prose.
I got the first glimpse of him in a possible budding romance through facebook. This time it's not speculation. I can tell. The signs of a crush are there. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I was doing so well all summer. I was feeling confident, spunky even. I got bangs (er... fringe) for God's sake! It was a whole new me. And then we had coffee. He didn't act the way I wanted him to. He wasn't thrilled to see me. He didn't call and want me to hang out with him and his friends, and I wasn't able to kindly refuse and tell him I had far more exciting plans with my far more exciting friends. And he did not confess his undying love for me, and I didn't get to gently explain to him that he and I were just not meant to be, followed by me walking off into the sunset, alone but not lonely.
No, none of those things happened, which sent me into a whirlwind of insecurity. Why? I have no idea. That is what therapists are for and I can't afford one. All I know now is that having him in my life, being able to see him live without me via social networking is not going to work for me.
I have no idea if this was the right choice. It was all very spontaneous. But it had to be. Another day, or even another hour could have changed my mind. I am the queen of second guessing.
Now I'm hitting refresh on my browser, waiting for his reply. I'm preparing myself for there to be none, but my imagination is sabotaging me again. Visions of undying love and walking off into the sunset are emerging again. How do you turn the damn thing off?
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1 comment:
lol @ bangs/fringe!
I hate when situations don't go the way you planned them out in your head: what you would say, what they say back. It's kind of confusing and disorientating.
Maybe you should try a chakra cord cutting thing to help let him go? There's a link to it in one of my blog posts (or you could just google it), I did it last week and this guy is not on my mind so much. I decided almost anything was worth a go, if it meant I could let someone go and move on.
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