written at 12:30 am January 6th, 2008
I'm not sure why I titled this "redemption." I usually wait until after I'm finished to figure out a title but that word just unveiled its self to me so I guess I shouldn't ignore it.
Redemption
I'm sitting in the dark right now, reminiscing on the past week and all the sunshine and butterflies it held and I"m asking myself why they had the leave in this one fleeting moment of solitude.
I was deliriously, gleefully happy. Seriously! After a rather emotional time in my life where a good majority of my time was either spent being sad or hiding the fact that I was sad, I had a moment of shear collapse where I pulled the covers over my head and silently yelled "I need you, I don't know what to do. Please help me."
Now this is a rather abridged version of my journey into and out of despair but, despite my inexplicable need to pour my heart out to a computer screen and digital world, somethings are best kept between me and... well me.
The following days were spent in as much isolation as I could find (or get away with) and plenty of soul searching. I only revealed myself to one person and her understanding and admissions to her own depression and sadness are what I attribute to the beginnings of my recovery. She was the beginning of my redemption. And I really didn't want to spill my guts to ANYONE, not even someone as close to me as she is (and I haven't dropped her name because there's no sense in dragging her into my addiction to unnecessary internet honesty) but no wall can stay up forever and mine were about to crumble, well at least a portion. (I have yet to have a Good Will Hunting moment where I collapse into someone's arms while they say "it's not your fault, it's not your fault.") But I feel like that moment may be somewhere nearby, lurking in a dark alleyway waiting for some inopportune time to jump out and mug me of all my emotional standoffishness. But talking to this dear friend and being able to relate to her same experiences made me realize I wasn't totally alone and for second, a single fleeting second, I almost saw that glimmer some people call hope.
I stopped taking my medication, decided to leave school, became a vegan, toasted to the new year and was legitimately happy. I shouldn't say "was." I AM happy. Maybe not euphorically so, but I am happy... It's been a busy week.
But now I'm back here again. No I'm not in complete despair but I'm not like I was just 24 hours earlier when I couldn't stop smiling. I twas even different just 5 hours earlier when I was planning road trips and future endeavors, joining a new church and envisioning myself in a new community who want to experience God and life in a real and poetic way.
Maybe I got ahead of myself. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew... too much to fast you know? Am I really this fragile? Do I really have to abstain from weaving too much fabrics into my life because of the risk of an accidental overdose (now that's a dual metaphor for ya). At any rate, anxiety has taken up residence in my chest again and it really feels like he never elft. But htis time I honestly have no idea why he's come back. I mean sure I've gotten involved in some new things but they all legitimately make me happy.
Maybe I'm afraid of all the new people in my life? I seriously think I'm on of those people who can't be overly social without needing a lot of down time in return. Sometimes I foret this and max out socially and then slip into this state that leaves me stunted and unable to leave the comforts of my bedroom.
The anxiety is still here, but at least this time there's the fresh memory of what it's like to be stable and happy and with that fresh memory comes hope. And to keep depression from rearing his ugly head, I have armed myself with the essentials: a journal, good music, pretty candles and good friends in the form of beautiful words (Blue Like Jazz, Eat Pray Love and the Bible)
I think I've come up with another source of this anxiety. For some dumb reason I've got it in my head that i should start dating! I mean, I know I've come into a better place but why on
Earth would I think it was a good idea to even attempt to THINK about dating?
You know when you have the flue for a long time and when you finally stop puking your brains out you really want to get out of the house and end up engaging in some activity that's far to involved for your fragile health. You're weak and and shaky and need help just climbing a set of stairs. You wear yourself out and end up feeling miserable just because you got ahead of yourself fin your recovery.
This is how I feel.
And this is my recovery.
I can't jump into too many things at once and I should stay away from activities that will set me back, like dating for instance, I need to be gentle with myself and realize that I AM fragile right now and that's ok. It's ok and quite necessary to say no once in a while. It's ok to plan and scheme but don't get ahead of yourself again. Enjoy each day you're int he midst of. It's ok to be wild and crazy but you need to balance yourself out with plenty of self reflections, prayer and mellow honest conversation.
Speaking of honestly...
That's what we talked about at church tonight. Amazing how God finds ways to speak directly to you and says exactly what you NEED to hear whether you WANT to or not. They encouraged us to have honest relationships with other people which is SUCH a hard thing for me. It's not that I lie, it's just that I keep so many things in. But it's something that I know I desperately need to have, my life depends on it, but that much vulnerability is absolutely terrifying to me. Most people would say it's because they've been completely honest with people and it's come back to them in a painful way. People us this honesty to hurt each other. And I really wish I could say that that is the reason I have so many issues with honesty. I wish I could say I tried to be honest so many times and people just stabbed me in the back with it. But I've never even given them the chance. I know what the human species is capable of. I know that with vulnerability also comes very good chances of betrayal and pain. So I've never given anyone the chance to betray me. But in doing that,
I've really betrayed myself. I've kept all this toxic waste inside me and it's caused more damamge than protection. The things I keep inside, the secrets, are like poison and they're eating me up from the inside out.
Goals
*No dating
*More honesty
*No dairy
Why is it that when someone else is doing all the match making work it's easy to think everything will work out and rejection gets pushed out of mind because "you're in good hands." It's like taking a taxi ride in Paris where the drivers are supremely out of their minds. They weave in and out, cut people off and speed like maniacs. But you push the thoughts of danger and fear out of your mind because this is a paid employee driving you about, a "professional!"But, really, being a taxi driver in no way qualifies someone to drive this way and certainly does not decrease the risks involved with such behavior. The fact of the matter is, you can still easily crash and burn.
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