So This is Growing Up

I feel like I’ve been “grown up” for a while now. I’m really not all that dependent on my parents, financially speaking, I live on my own, I travel alone, work full time… I can say with a sense of certainty that I’m no longer a child, for better or for worse. But there’s something they never tell you will happen when you start to really grow up. You start to see the world for what it is. You start to feel the pain shown on the news because things tend to strike close to home a lot more often. People die, people let you down time and time again, and parents betray you.

In the middle of my own struggle with pain, I am also watching the people closest to me struggle as well. I’m trying to cling on to that optimism, that spirit of youth that says anything is possible and a people are inherently good, that my life will be good. But life isn’t always going to be good, and I’ve definitely been learning that the past few weeks.

This is what I’ve been learning:

People are always going to let you down, they will betray you and they will mess up. By opening yourself up to other people, you are opening your heart up to pain and rejection. We are selfish and we are flawed and our hearts are far too simple to stand the disappointment. Being let down by other people is part of being human. But more than anything, I also believe the other part of being human is forgiveness and grace. Without these two things, our lives wouldn’t be worth living. We would live in an angry world with even more wars and terror than we already have. People can surprise you with second chances, but you’ll never know if you don’t let them in again. It’s worth the risk, trust me.

Parents are not perfect. This goes a lot with what I was saying before about people letting you down. We think at this age we have finally come to a place where we can relate to our parents on a person to person level, rather than parent-child. This not only opens us up to see their humanity but also leaves us surprised when they do something we thought only can happen when we are young. This has its advantages and disadvantages.

We have emotions for a reason. When something comes into our lives and rattles our perfect routines of smiles and sunshine, it can be confusing and difficult to understand. Our little hearts are not meant to be hurt this way, to feel betrayed or abandoned or left to go one when someone we love has vanished forever. So our emotions get jumbled up and confused and we laugh when we want to cry and become numb when all we want to do is scream. Ride it out, don’t fight it. Laugh if you feel laughing, scream if you need to scream, and for God’s sake, cry like there’s no tomorrow. Emotions remind us we are still human, that we are still here, breathing and living. Embrace them. Holding them in, convincing yourself you’re not angry or sad or depressed when you really are is toxic. It will kill you and every relationship you have.

Death is not a “natural part of life.” That statement is a paradox and fallacy. Death is not part of life. Once again, it’s something our hearts just do not understand. They don’t understand how someone can be here one day and gone the next for no apparent reason, with no explanation. A very good friend of mine once said “The reason death never seems to make sense or settle in our hearts is that we were never made to understand death. When we were created, we were created as eternal beings.” I don’t think there’s anything to say after that.

That same friend told me that she believes that sometimes shit just happens and there’s no reason for it. As much as I love this friend and respect her opinion, I disagree. I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything is connected and leads to another, like the domino effect. Everything leads to good. Everything will be good in the end, if it’s not good, it’s not the end, right? So in the middle of all the much and turmoil and pain I have to know that it’s all leading to something. I mean it’s already taught me about grace and the way to handle tragedy, and I’m convinced even better things will come as well. It may be 2 weeks from now or 20 years, but I know I will look back at this time, and all the trying times in life and see where they have lead me and what happened in my life as a result. I have to believe that, otherwise, what’s the point?

So this is growing up. Our parents don't hide the bad stuff, and sometimes they end up being the bad stuff. People leave, people die, people hurt us. Growing up is about learning to deal with it, about holding on to the good, about never forgetting what it was like to run barefoot through the grass your dad just cut on the last day of 2nd grade. Nothing to fear, nothing to worry about.

The Little Things We Don't See Coming

A friend of mine died yesterday. Her name was Jeanene and she was beautiful

It's weird and it's wrong and its unfair and it hasn't hit me yet. We worked together at Tranquility and she was always one of the girls I kept in my corner. She was always on my side and had supportive words for me when working in a salon proved to be too much. I can't believe she's gone.

This is the only picture I have of her. I like it because you can see the scar from her breathing tube. Jeanene was strong. She beat cancer and other medical hardships. When I heard she had passed away I immediately thought it had something to do with her medical history. But it was a freak vespa accident. She lost control and ran into a building. She had traumatic brain injuries and didn't survive the transport.

We all think it's going to be the big things that will get us. Old age, Cancer, Disease. But it's the little things we don't see coming. We don't anticipate them and they take us from behind and by surprise. When we are relaxed, not on alert, something comes and knocks us on the chin, because we're not in fighting mode.

It's cliche but life is short, Jeanene proves that. And cliches become cliche for a reason. So i'll say it again, life is short. Jeanene's life was beautiful though. She loved the sun and the stars and spring and snow. She loved her two children and her husband and styling hair. She was an artist and there will always be a void at the station where she painted her master pieces on client after client.

I don't know how to end this. I don't have any summary phrase or "all in alls." All I have is the disbelief that someone I knew and loved is gone. Her name is Jeanene and she is beautiful.

5 Years, 4 Years Late

The party was a great success! A ton of people came, Genny, Jackie and I looked fabulous and I seriously danced my little heart out. DJ Squirt was amazing. He played the best remix of Don't Stop Beleiving. That was probably the high light of the night.

Genny met a boy, Josh. Jackie tried to "pass him off on me" but after about a minute of talking to him I knew he wasn't feelin it. I also could tell that Genny WAS feelin it, so I went back to the dance floor and did what I do best, look like a complete idiot.

Kasey tried to set me up with a diver from Casa Bonita. Ha. I'm quite sure he thinks I'm out of my mind, which I'm ok with. I was slightly out of control, in a good way. I just wanted to dance and he tried to keep up, I have to give it to him. We exchanged number but I have no expectation of a call. But I'm happily single. I dance with so many people that night, which is not something you can do when you stuck in a crumby relationship. Mat and I dance up a storm as did Nathan and I, Nick and I, Wilson and I, Jordan and I, and anyone else able and willing.

I didn't see Genny and Jackie much at all that night. I was on the dance floor, Genny was holding down the fort on the porch and Jackie... well she was throwing up in a wicker trashcan in her bed room. Poor thing. Thank goodness for Frodo who held her hair and rubbed her back all night. Awwww.

In the morning we took the Jackson boys and Aaron out for pancakes. Mat and Aaron finished off 6 PBRs at 11 am. Pretty much amazing. When we left the restaurant, Mat proclaimed "I definitely left that place drunker than I went in." Classic. We then returned to a house smelling like beer and puke with a thick layer of orange juice coating the kitchen floor. Nathan helped out a lot which was nice because it was disgusting in there. The carpet is blue and sticky, someone drew a penis on the calender and a little man on the cabinet. Someone also wrote "HELP" all over various windows and glass cabinets, as well as the TV screen. How someone did this without us noticing is quite impressive.

All in all it was quite the night and I had so much fun. However, I've been thinking, Gia met a nice boy named Gary, Genny met a nice boy named Josh, Jackie (while smelling lik vomit) got a little cuddle action from a nice boy named Frodo. I can't help but feel slightly jealous, but I'll cling tight to my quirkyalone sentiments and remember what a hassel a relationship can be. But of course, it would be lovely to meet a nice boy as well or at least have one to hold my hair should I ever need it.

Catch Up on the Random

It's sort of been a while since I've caught you all up on my life... because it's so dang interesting, I know.

My church is trying to buy a new building and raise $500,000 in a month and I think it's amazing, especially if we pull it off. It will probably be one of the most satisfying things I've been a part of to date. Scum means a lot to me.

From church to drinking shinanegans! Great segway. Memeorial weekend was probably the most random/amazing one of my life. Friday night we went to a lovely little wholesome barbeque at our friend Josiah's house. We played guitar hero and he bought me vegan burgers. I was a happy girl. I made new friends that go by Thomas and Collin. They are indescribable, you really just need to hang out with them to get it. I will say this, Collin totally looks like Ryan Gosling after he goes a little nutso in The Notebook (plus some pericings). After the barbeque we headed back to Thomas and Collin's apartment (The Love Den as they like to call it) and decided to go crash and yougin's party and drink all their beer.

Here are the directions I was given: "Take Broadway until it turns into Brighton. You'll know by all the warehouses and factories that start showing up. Park between the old white warehouse and the La Lapatina. Go in the side door of the white warehouse, there should be a band playing." So we took our lives in our hands, gathered up our gumption and headed out to our inevitable murder. Seriously, this part of Denver is no Cherry Creek. We park near the La Laptina, see a rather scary biker dude walking down the alley and decide to sit in the car for a minute. We finally emerge from our saftey net on 4 wheels and approach the white warehouse, with visions of meat hooks, flickering light bulbs and Saw 4 running through our minds. To our surprise, as I opened the door, what met us instead was a lovely updated trendy loft, complete with granit counter tops, and screen printer and a funk band!

The moment of releif quickly faded as I realized the lead singer of the funk band was an old boyfriend from 2 1/2 years ago. Random! I'm generally ok with ex boyfriends but this one doesn't seem to like me much... something about breaking up with him over a text message. Whatever. He didn't notice me for a good half hour and then we made eye contact while he was singing. I know he knew it was me because he introduced the next song by staring at me and saying "This one goes out to all the crazy bitches out there. I know you're here!" Fantastic.

The night went on quite pleasently as Jackie drank way too much Kentuck Delux Whiskey and soon turned into Happy Jack. We kept asking ourselves "where the heck are we?" and made fun of the drunk 16 year olds. All in all and good time!

Saturday night brought equally good times as well. We started in Thorton at a good friend's going away/graduation party. Cory's the greatest. I'm so glad I went to that Kelly Clarkson concert with him, because if I hadn't, I would've never gotten to know what an amazing friend he is. So he's movin to Ohio to start his record lable. Which SUCKS for all of us who will miss him, but incredibly exciting for him! After the party, we headed to the Blast-o-Mat. An amazing little punk rock, diy music venue on 7th and Federal. Once again, a place you have to have some gumption to visit. The venue is pretty great though, they take donations, no cover charge and the bands are totally eager and just have fun when they play. I loved it. Oh yeah, and their was free beer. Yes! We headed off to the Jackson House after that for some good chill time with Frodo and Matt. A more low key night, but still a lot of fun.

This past weekend was pretty crazy as well. Friday, SP and I tried to get into Sex and the City. Yeah no go. Denver was taken over by very fancy ladies who all bought their tickets ahead of time. And it was kind of refreshing to see everyone dressed up like that.

Saturday we headed out to Federal and Arapahoe. We've been going to some very dangerous places lately. This place was full of red neck chads and girls who liked to call each other "bitch" a lot. Not exactly our scene. I met MB's new girl for the first time. Good times! Between the chads and that whole mess we all decided to head to a different party. However, MB decided to tag along, fantastic. Aaron got in a fight, Kasey hit a car and Frodo smoothed it all over. After that thoughe veryone seemed to get a long really well. MB decided to hang in my area basically all night which was weird and I was drinking too much to know better. Let's just say his girlfriend wasn't too pleased. I read her Peter Pan later on that night in a British accent however and declared that we had bonded. I think we're good now. Oi Vay. The picture I've posted is quite possibly my favorite picture of all time. It's very symbolic as well. Here I am with a rather innocent pose, as if to say "what? What's going on? I didn't do anything!" And Brian, appropriately in the middle making a kissing face while his new girlfriend can be seen in the distance giving us both the stink eye. Amazing.

This weekend is the big anniversary shin dig for Genny and I. Shoudl be interesting... More on that later.

Have I mentioned I absolutely love my life?