Day 2: Not So Bad

I think I can really do this. Amazingly, I'm not tired, I have no headache, I have plenty of energy and my mind is totally clear. Mostly all my cravings are gone and I'm rarely hungry. At this point the only reason I want to eat is because I get bored and being able to pin point that has seemed to help. I made of list of things to do when I'm getting restless and I'm slowly checking it off.

I had to have a bite of pasta though today while I was nannying. AJ (the mom) was still there and made lunch for me as well. I managed to hold off as long as possible before she left but it was unavoidable. I should've just told her what I was doing this week but oh well, what are you going to do? It was one piece of pasta... delcious cheesey pasta. I don't think the hunger will be the hardest part of the 10 days, I think the boredom of the lemonade/lack of variety is going to get to me. The salt water in the morning sucks too, as does getting up at 5 to get everything together before work.

One day at a time...

Day 1- Holding Strong

The first day went as well as can be expected. My lovely morning started at 5 am by chugging a liter of salt water. Delicious! Ok not really. About a half hour later I felt like I had food poisoning. The lemonade drinks (lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper) aren't horrible but I definitely put way too much pepper in. I could hardly swallow the second batch I had made. I let Ossie (2 y/0) try some and he loved it. He also drinks 3 glasses of hot tea a day. He's seriously an 80 year old man trapped in a 2 year old body.

I made lunch for the kiddos and had to stop some of the automatic reactions to put bits of food in my mouth. I'm pretty proud of myself for not eating while cooking. That's probably one of the hardest aspects of this. I'm wondering if the temptation will get too much. Down time like this is difficult too. Every time a Dominos commercial comes on the TV or I open my fridge to get water, I feel like I might crack. But I allowed my refridgerator to become relatively vacant on purpose and let's be honest, Dominos is disgusting.

Ten days is starting to feel like a decade away but I'm optimistic that I'll be able to keep it up. Though Chipotle sound amazingly delicious right now. I'm so excited to eat again. Sexy Pizza is at the top of my list...

Master Cleansing

I've jumped on the subversive bandwagon. For the next 10 days I will be consuming nothing but Senna, water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup (grade B). To be perfectly honest, I'm terrified about what it's going to do to me. Every account I've read and heard have had only positive things to say but woman cannot live on lemon juice alone, right? We shall see.

Ohh the lengths I'm willing to go to for this wedding...

We Are Young and On Fire

"If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?"- Steve Jobs

I’ve been back to work for 3 days now after my vacation and already I’m right back where I was the day before I left. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed out, and burnt out. I was talking with Nick’s mom the other night and she said she wants to work hard and long enough to have five years where she can just be. You know, retirement, relaxation, peace. So we’re all killing ourselves for five years?? It’s been eating at me for weeks. I don’t want to waste the majority of my life for five years of freedom.

Maybe it’s my age. I’m only 21, I have a lot of plans, schemes and dreams to pursue and I feel like they’re getting squashed here in this office day after day of mediocrity. These are supposed to be the best years of my life right? Where I can make mistakes, be broke, and learn about who I am. I make fairly good money, it’s enough anyway. I think I’ve nailed down a plan for the future and now I just feel like I’m biding my time. I feel like I’m wasting my youth on faxes and grading tests I don’t even understand.

I’m getting restless again. The idea of working through college, taking two classes a semester terrifies me. Now that I know what I want to do, I want to DO it! I’m excited and eager to do something meaningful and I can’t do that stuck here in an office taking orders from people who think they’re second to God because they have an MD at the end of their name. It’s time for a change, and I think I have a plan but I’m keeping it in a hopper for now. Let’s just say nothing’s going to happen for a good 5 months though. So for now I’m going to try to at least not get fired while I’m here, do my best to work hard but also remember that this job is not who I am, it’s not even a little bit of who I am, it’s something I do between the hours of 8 and 4:30. Jackie’s words get me through the day “you go, you do your thing, and you leave.” She’s my sage friend.

And I know, I know, I left school because I was so unhappy “wasting my youth” but the truth is, I think I always knew I’d go back to school at some point and I don’t regret taking this time off. I finally got the time to sit down and think about who I truly am. I remember there was a point last fall when I sat down to write what I knew about myself and nothing came to my mind. I couldn’t think of one thing about myself other than I have blonde hair and green eyes. It terrified me to realize how little I knew myself. I feel like I’m in a better place now. Stronger, more independent, wiser, more mature. But I still have a fire inside that reminds me I won’t be 21 forever. I will never get back these days. I would rather owe $20,000 in student loans than look back on this time in my life and realize I let it slip away, that scares me more than debt.

I don’t want to give to much up though so I’ll stop here. My plans change so much and if I spread them around too much I’ll start sounding like a flake and I really don’t think that’s what I am. I really am just trying to find my way and it just so happens that I’m doing that by trial and error, but who isn’t these days? I’m young and I want to make some mistakes, I want to be messy and spontaneous. You can’t do that from behind a desk.

Revelations

I’ve been having a lot of revelations lately, mostly because I’ve been thinking (possibly over thinking) a lot of aspects in my life. My latest reason to obsess was, now that I’m quite comfortable being in like with Nick, why exactly are we together? Neither of us want to get married until we are at least 30, he’s moving to Long Beach after school, I’m moving to Portland to finish up school, are we just biding our time? Shouldn’t a relationship always be working towards something? And if it isn’t, are we just dating for convenience, for a warm body to lie next to?

And then it hit me, I’ve already worked past that social stigma of marriage. I’ve reconciled within myself that a husband just might not be in the cards for me, and that’s perfectly ok. However, what I hadn’t done was to apply that philosophy to all aspects of my life. If marriage really isn’t a necessary aspect of everyone’s personal life, why should every relationship we have be required to work up to it? Romantic relationships don’t NEED to build up to holy matrimony; contrary to what your bible study and mother have told you. Growing up in the suburban circles I did, this revelation left me feeling a little lost. Do I just never enter into a relationship? I still found myself asking, what’s the point? And then I realized how freeing this philosophy really is. Without the social pressures to work towards something in a relationship (that neither party really wants to work up to at this point) there is so much more freedom to just be. Be with one another, be happy, be in the moment. I can be with Nick, enjoy the time we have together, really put everything I can into the relationship without worrying that I’ll end up married before I’m actually ready, just because we followed the course everyone else did.

I am not dating for convenience, for training, or any other silly reason serial monogamists get into relationships. I will never be that person. I’m with Nick to share a very personal, exciting experience with another human being, to connect with someone in a way that every person should at some point in their life, especially when you're young in the summer. I can do all of this without the pressure and fear of loosing myself to a timeline set up by a faceless societal force. Honestly, it’s like a friendship with pizzazz. A whole lot of pizzazz. It’s amazing.

I'm Figuring Out The Rest

Well, a lot has gone since I've last updated. And the them of my life right now is learning.

I'm learning what it's like to be a real live grown up with a real grown up's job. I've been at said job for 5 months now and am seeing why everyone gets burnt out so quickly with office jobs. It definitley keeps me on my toes and I'm learning how to be responsible and manage time better... and how to separate work from social life. It's like Jackie says, "it's work. You go, you do your thing, and you leave." I'm trying to remember that a not bring the stress home with me.

I'm still living in Denver and I really do love it. I love my little studio on Ogden street. I however do not like the lack of dishwasher and air conditioning. I'll make sure to remember this when I'm searching for my next apartment. I don't plan on living in the same building when my lease is up. I thinkt hat's the beauty of apartments. You have a year to have fun and experience a certain are with a free and clear excuse to make a big change when your name is no longer attached to it. This makes throwing away money on rent almost tolerable.

The next update is not meant to be shoved in the middle of housing statuses (stati?) and future plans because it really means much more than that. Sarah Van Wyke, the eternal quirkeyalone is infact dating someone... nay, not "dating," I have a full blown boyfriend. And it's fun and lovely and great. I'm learning how to not be so selfish with my time and realize that focusing on myself is important, but perhaps not THE most important thing. I still obviously love to catch with the inner Sarah. Read, write, SSSB (if you don't know what this is, I'm not telling), it's all great, but I'm learning to incorporate this new element to my life and that takes adjustment. I haven't gotten the dance down yet but I'm certainly learning the steps. Nick is a great guy and certainly patient and understanding of my "quirks," shall we say. He's certainly worth putting myself aside for a while and opening up to the idea other peopl exist. Ok, that was an over exageration, but really... I'm learning.

New plan! Or shall I say "idea." I've decided to go back to school. It's important and the right thing to do. I by no means regret taking the semseter off. I think it was the best thing I could've done honestly. I learned a lot about myself, came out of a really bad state and came into my own. And now that I'm a little more clear on who this person is residing in my skin, I'm ready to head back to school and take a crack at this "higher education" thang. I'll be going to CCD (please don't judge me). I'm just going to work on my general education requirements at a place that charges $70 a credit. It's a situation that makes sense. After I finish those up, the IDEA, is to head off to Portland and try my hand at English at Portland State University. I'll be majoring in English, minoring in writing, and scribing my butt off. I have some family that lives out there that makes the whole process slightly less nerve racking, but I love nerve racking ideas. They get me through the day. I'm just ready for a change. As much as I love Denver, I think it becomes a bubble that a lot of people need to break away from, at least for a little while, if not forever. The music scene (which translates into social scene) is incredibly small, intertwined, and taking its toll on me. I'm not even 21 yet but I have to as myself in the middle of the parties and the hangovers... There must be something more than this. And for me that "something" is books and writing. I think I'll be able to make this work.

I KNOW I'll be able to make this work.

I have to :)

New Goals:

Read More

Write More

Stand up and stand by who I know I am

Figure out the rest

So This is Growing Up

I feel like I’ve been “grown up” for a while now. I’m really not all that dependent on my parents, financially speaking, I live on my own, I travel alone, work full time… I can say with a sense of certainty that I’m no longer a child, for better or for worse. But there’s something they never tell you will happen when you start to really grow up. You start to see the world for what it is. You start to feel the pain shown on the news because things tend to strike close to home a lot more often. People die, people let you down time and time again, and parents betray you.

In the middle of my own struggle with pain, I am also watching the people closest to me struggle as well. I’m trying to cling on to that optimism, that spirit of youth that says anything is possible and a people are inherently good, that my life will be good. But life isn’t always going to be good, and I’ve definitely been learning that the past few weeks.

This is what I’ve been learning:

People are always going to let you down, they will betray you and they will mess up. By opening yourself up to other people, you are opening your heart up to pain and rejection. We are selfish and we are flawed and our hearts are far too simple to stand the disappointment. Being let down by other people is part of being human. But more than anything, I also believe the other part of being human is forgiveness and grace. Without these two things, our lives wouldn’t be worth living. We would live in an angry world with even more wars and terror than we already have. People can surprise you with second chances, but you’ll never know if you don’t let them in again. It’s worth the risk, trust me.

Parents are not perfect. This goes a lot with what I was saying before about people letting you down. We think at this age we have finally come to a place where we can relate to our parents on a person to person level, rather than parent-child. This not only opens us up to see their humanity but also leaves us surprised when they do something we thought only can happen when we are young. This has its advantages and disadvantages.

We have emotions for a reason. When something comes into our lives and rattles our perfect routines of smiles and sunshine, it can be confusing and difficult to understand. Our little hearts are not meant to be hurt this way, to feel betrayed or abandoned or left to go one when someone we love has vanished forever. So our emotions get jumbled up and confused and we laugh when we want to cry and become numb when all we want to do is scream. Ride it out, don’t fight it. Laugh if you feel laughing, scream if you need to scream, and for God’s sake, cry like there’s no tomorrow. Emotions remind us we are still human, that we are still here, breathing and living. Embrace them. Holding them in, convincing yourself you’re not angry or sad or depressed when you really are is toxic. It will kill you and every relationship you have.

Death is not a “natural part of life.” That statement is a paradox and fallacy. Death is not part of life. Once again, it’s something our hearts just do not understand. They don’t understand how someone can be here one day and gone the next for no apparent reason, with no explanation. A very good friend of mine once said “The reason death never seems to make sense or settle in our hearts is that we were never made to understand death. When we were created, we were created as eternal beings.” I don’t think there’s anything to say after that.

That same friend told me that she believes that sometimes shit just happens and there’s no reason for it. As much as I love this friend and respect her opinion, I disagree. I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything is connected and leads to another, like the domino effect. Everything leads to good. Everything will be good in the end, if it’s not good, it’s not the end, right? So in the middle of all the much and turmoil and pain I have to know that it’s all leading to something. I mean it’s already taught me about grace and the way to handle tragedy, and I’m convinced even better things will come as well. It may be 2 weeks from now or 20 years, but I know I will look back at this time, and all the trying times in life and see where they have lead me and what happened in my life as a result. I have to believe that, otherwise, what’s the point?

So this is growing up. Our parents don't hide the bad stuff, and sometimes they end up being the bad stuff. People leave, people die, people hurt us. Growing up is about learning to deal with it, about holding on to the good, about never forgetting what it was like to run barefoot through the grass your dad just cut on the last day of 2nd grade. Nothing to fear, nothing to worry about.

The Little Things We Don't See Coming

A friend of mine died yesterday. Her name was Jeanene and she was beautiful

It's weird and it's wrong and its unfair and it hasn't hit me yet. We worked together at Tranquility and she was always one of the girls I kept in my corner. She was always on my side and had supportive words for me when working in a salon proved to be too much. I can't believe she's gone.

This is the only picture I have of her. I like it because you can see the scar from her breathing tube. Jeanene was strong. She beat cancer and other medical hardships. When I heard she had passed away I immediately thought it had something to do with her medical history. But it was a freak vespa accident. She lost control and ran into a building. She had traumatic brain injuries and didn't survive the transport.

We all think it's going to be the big things that will get us. Old age, Cancer, Disease. But it's the little things we don't see coming. We don't anticipate them and they take us from behind and by surprise. When we are relaxed, not on alert, something comes and knocks us on the chin, because we're not in fighting mode.

It's cliche but life is short, Jeanene proves that. And cliches become cliche for a reason. So i'll say it again, life is short. Jeanene's life was beautiful though. She loved the sun and the stars and spring and snow. She loved her two children and her husband and styling hair. She was an artist and there will always be a void at the station where she painted her master pieces on client after client.

I don't know how to end this. I don't have any summary phrase or "all in alls." All I have is the disbelief that someone I knew and loved is gone. Her name is Jeanene and she is beautiful.

5 Years, 4 Years Late

The party was a great success! A ton of people came, Genny, Jackie and I looked fabulous and I seriously danced my little heart out. DJ Squirt was amazing. He played the best remix of Don't Stop Beleiving. That was probably the high light of the night.

Genny met a boy, Josh. Jackie tried to "pass him off on me" but after about a minute of talking to him I knew he wasn't feelin it. I also could tell that Genny WAS feelin it, so I went back to the dance floor and did what I do best, look like a complete idiot.

Kasey tried to set me up with a diver from Casa Bonita. Ha. I'm quite sure he thinks I'm out of my mind, which I'm ok with. I was slightly out of control, in a good way. I just wanted to dance and he tried to keep up, I have to give it to him. We exchanged number but I have no expectation of a call. But I'm happily single. I dance with so many people that night, which is not something you can do when you stuck in a crumby relationship. Mat and I dance up a storm as did Nathan and I, Nick and I, Wilson and I, Jordan and I, and anyone else able and willing.

I didn't see Genny and Jackie much at all that night. I was on the dance floor, Genny was holding down the fort on the porch and Jackie... well she was throwing up in a wicker trashcan in her bed room. Poor thing. Thank goodness for Frodo who held her hair and rubbed her back all night. Awwww.

In the morning we took the Jackson boys and Aaron out for pancakes. Mat and Aaron finished off 6 PBRs at 11 am. Pretty much amazing. When we left the restaurant, Mat proclaimed "I definitely left that place drunker than I went in." Classic. We then returned to a house smelling like beer and puke with a thick layer of orange juice coating the kitchen floor. Nathan helped out a lot which was nice because it was disgusting in there. The carpet is blue and sticky, someone drew a penis on the calender and a little man on the cabinet. Someone also wrote "HELP" all over various windows and glass cabinets, as well as the TV screen. How someone did this without us noticing is quite impressive.

All in all it was quite the night and I had so much fun. However, I've been thinking, Gia met a nice boy named Gary, Genny met a nice boy named Josh, Jackie (while smelling lik vomit) got a little cuddle action from a nice boy named Frodo. I can't help but feel slightly jealous, but I'll cling tight to my quirkyalone sentiments and remember what a hassel a relationship can be. But of course, it would be lovely to meet a nice boy as well or at least have one to hold my hair should I ever need it.

Catch Up on the Random

It's sort of been a while since I've caught you all up on my life... because it's so dang interesting, I know.

My church is trying to buy a new building and raise $500,000 in a month and I think it's amazing, especially if we pull it off. It will probably be one of the most satisfying things I've been a part of to date. Scum means a lot to me.

From church to drinking shinanegans! Great segway. Memeorial weekend was probably the most random/amazing one of my life. Friday night we went to a lovely little wholesome barbeque at our friend Josiah's house. We played guitar hero and he bought me vegan burgers. I was a happy girl. I made new friends that go by Thomas and Collin. They are indescribable, you really just need to hang out with them to get it. I will say this, Collin totally looks like Ryan Gosling after he goes a little nutso in The Notebook (plus some pericings). After the barbeque we headed back to Thomas and Collin's apartment (The Love Den as they like to call it) and decided to go crash and yougin's party and drink all their beer.

Here are the directions I was given: "Take Broadway until it turns into Brighton. You'll know by all the warehouses and factories that start showing up. Park between the old white warehouse and the La Lapatina. Go in the side door of the white warehouse, there should be a band playing." So we took our lives in our hands, gathered up our gumption and headed out to our inevitable murder. Seriously, this part of Denver is no Cherry Creek. We park near the La Laptina, see a rather scary biker dude walking down the alley and decide to sit in the car for a minute. We finally emerge from our saftey net on 4 wheels and approach the white warehouse, with visions of meat hooks, flickering light bulbs and Saw 4 running through our minds. To our surprise, as I opened the door, what met us instead was a lovely updated trendy loft, complete with granit counter tops, and screen printer and a funk band!

The moment of releif quickly faded as I realized the lead singer of the funk band was an old boyfriend from 2 1/2 years ago. Random! I'm generally ok with ex boyfriends but this one doesn't seem to like me much... something about breaking up with him over a text message. Whatever. He didn't notice me for a good half hour and then we made eye contact while he was singing. I know he knew it was me because he introduced the next song by staring at me and saying "This one goes out to all the crazy bitches out there. I know you're here!" Fantastic.

The night went on quite pleasently as Jackie drank way too much Kentuck Delux Whiskey and soon turned into Happy Jack. We kept asking ourselves "where the heck are we?" and made fun of the drunk 16 year olds. All in all and good time!

Saturday night brought equally good times as well. We started in Thorton at a good friend's going away/graduation party. Cory's the greatest. I'm so glad I went to that Kelly Clarkson concert with him, because if I hadn't, I would've never gotten to know what an amazing friend he is. So he's movin to Ohio to start his record lable. Which SUCKS for all of us who will miss him, but incredibly exciting for him! After the party, we headed to the Blast-o-Mat. An amazing little punk rock, diy music venue on 7th and Federal. Once again, a place you have to have some gumption to visit. The venue is pretty great though, they take donations, no cover charge and the bands are totally eager and just have fun when they play. I loved it. Oh yeah, and their was free beer. Yes! We headed off to the Jackson House after that for some good chill time with Frodo and Matt. A more low key night, but still a lot of fun.

This past weekend was pretty crazy as well. Friday, SP and I tried to get into Sex and the City. Yeah no go. Denver was taken over by very fancy ladies who all bought their tickets ahead of time. And it was kind of refreshing to see everyone dressed up like that.

Saturday we headed out to Federal and Arapahoe. We've been going to some very dangerous places lately. This place was full of red neck chads and girls who liked to call each other "bitch" a lot. Not exactly our scene. I met MB's new girl for the first time. Good times! Between the chads and that whole mess we all decided to head to a different party. However, MB decided to tag along, fantastic. Aaron got in a fight, Kasey hit a car and Frodo smoothed it all over. After that thoughe veryone seemed to get a long really well. MB decided to hang in my area basically all night which was weird and I was drinking too much to know better. Let's just say his girlfriend wasn't too pleased. I read her Peter Pan later on that night in a British accent however and declared that we had bonded. I think we're good now. Oi Vay. The picture I've posted is quite possibly my favorite picture of all time. It's very symbolic as well. Here I am with a rather innocent pose, as if to say "what? What's going on? I didn't do anything!" And Brian, appropriately in the middle making a kissing face while his new girlfriend can be seen in the distance giving us both the stink eye. Amazing.

This weekend is the big anniversary shin dig for Genny and I. Shoudl be interesting... More on that later.

Have I mentioned I absolutely love my life?

Scum

This is difficult for me to write for a couple of reasons. First, I know it may rub some people the wrong way. Religion tends to do that. And after reading that word “religion” I’m sure many of you have already clicked to another page. But I’ll keep writing, for my own amusement and for the hope that someone will keep reading and find something in these words, which may take a miracle, but I believe in those. It’s also hard to write because I want it to be good. I want everything I write to be good and too often I spit out something in about 10 minutes and call it a “writing piece.” But this, more than anything, I want to mean something.

I started going to a church that meets in Church in the City on Colfax and Josephine and few months ago. I had heard about Scum of the Earth before and I was in a place where I knew I needed God more than ever, so it seemed worth a try. To be honest, at that point I wasn’t too keen on church or religion in general. I had a lot of notions of rules, regulations and ignorance, so to be honest, I was scared. I was scared of hating this place that deep down I knew I needed. It was slow going at first. I didn’t dive right in, I was hesitant. But slowly I started to see why so many jaded people call this place home and decided to do the same.

Scum of the Earth is not your typical church, with a congregation of punk rockers, scene kids, homeless people and even a felon or two. But it is one of the most welcoming places I have experienced. And yes, it’s true, at Scum we believe in God and Jesus. And because we believe in God and Jesus, we also believe in love, hope, community and the healing those things can bring. Scum is not a place that turns people away, it is a place people turn to. And I think that’s beautiful.

That being said, my church, my home, has found a new place to plant its feet. It’s a beautiful building with everything we could have ever hoped for, except the price tag. In a month we need to raise $500,000. But like I said, I believe in miracles.

Having our own building would mean so much more than four walls and a roof. It would be more than floors and ceilings and doors. It would mean a pew where someone decides to love Jesus for the first time. It would mean a place for thousands of prayers to be said. It would mean a place where healing can begin for so many people who need what this church is offering. If this means anything to you at all, I ask that you help us. And yes I mean financially. Don’t stop reading! It doesn’t have to be a lot. It could be 5 dollars to 500 dollars. It’s whatever you can give, it’s whatever you feel is right. And if that’s nothing, then I respect that. But all I ask is you listen to what this place means to so many people and don’t shut us out.

I know that many of you reading this have been hurt substantially by the church, and in that sense, you are not unlike many of the people who attend Scum of the Earth. As a body, we have come together, jaded and angry, and decided we want to do better. We want to love instead of subjugate, we want to heal instead of cast others out, we want to do better. We are not perfect. We are not holier than thou. We are broken and confused and doing our best to love with what we have. We are the scum of the earth.

“To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world (1 Corinthians 4:11-13).”

If you would like to give financially, you can click here and make sure you donate to the “building fund.”

My Life is Good, My Life is Great

As I walked into work today I told myself “you are a motivated, professional young woman. Working here is not a right; it is a privilege that can be taken away. And then what will you be left with? Bills and an empty checking account. “But here I am blogging again, after my usual alternations between Facebook and Myspace. I am a terrible employee.

This weekend was interesting, full of reunions, cigarettes and cops. I ran into Mikey Brian on Friday night. I can’t say it went exactly how I had pictured it. I had hoped I would a bit more graceful and bit more… sober. But considering the circumstances I think it went ok, if you call hiding in the bathroom ok. Ha. We ran into each other the next day as well and things were considerably smoother. I was definitely given a lesson in being a bigger person and I think I did pretty well. And through everything, the weekend just solidified the fact that being single is so much better for me right now, and so much more enjoyable. I like coming home, cooking dinner, throwing on cutesy pajamas and painting my nails for no one but myself. I love super secret single behavior, like listening to the last song on John Mayer’s Continuum on repeat and full volume while I wash the dishes. Why? Why the hell not. It makes me happy and there’s no one to judge me for it! I absolutely love being on my own.

Genny and I are throwing ourselves a “5 Year Anniversary Party, 4 Years Late.” It’s just quirky enough to turn out amazing. We are registering at Argonauts’ Liquor and the Dollar Store. Haha. Another reason why I’d rather have friends than boyfriends, you can’t do this type of stuff with them. Everything is so serious and the risks are so much higher. With Genny and I, we can be stupid and loud and obnoxious and HILARIOUS and it’s all good. It’s easy and it’s 99.9% drama free. Who needs a boyfriend when you have that?

I think I’ve finally settled on going to California State University Long Beach in a year and half. It’s scary that I’ll be going to school again but when I look at my writing compared to other’s I can see how much I need to work on it and how much I am lacking. I feel like I need a mentor and guidance otherwise I’ll just stay stagnant. An English degree will get me lots of places and whatever I decide to do, I will at least have a degree, which no matter what I tell myself, it’s necessary. I don’t regret leaving school though. It was what I needed to do then, to get my head right again. To figure out what it is I wanted to do, because the music business just isn’t right for me. I think a combination of music and writing is right up my alley. I just need to figure out how to combine those in the best way possible. Maybe start a magazine, or webzine or blog or something. I could even start a ‘zine now. Make photocopies and just leave them out for people to read. How incredibly punk rock of me. Ha. So that’s the plan. Improve my writing and start saving for CSU Long Beach. I’m guessing it’ll take about 2-3 years to finish up. It’s not the time that scares me; it’s the student loans and the debt I’m going to get into. I think I’ll basically have to pay for it all by myself, something I have no idea how to do, but I really feel like this is right. I can use writing to really do something good and contribute. I never want to feel as vapid and shallow as I did when I was working towards a degree in music business. Everything felt so dirty and consumer driven. It’s not the life for me. I’d rather be broke for the rest of my life and feel like I’ve given back what I’ve taken from the world then be wealthy and die knowing I did nothing of importance. Success to me doesn’t mean a nice car and big house. It means a life full of experiences and love. I have lots of love right now, and I feel like that’s something I’ll never be left wanting, but I want to give as much as I receive and that’s something I still need to work on. I want to start volunteering and giving back to this city I love so much and with that, with the giving of love, comes experience.

My life is good, my life is great.

Jokes on You Gavin

I would like to retract the "PPS" on my last post.

Gavin Degraw newest record is absolute garbage and not worth the $13.98 it was on sale for. On the sale the day it was released! Oh sad.

Oh Gavin, why did you let Clive trample your artistic sense of pride like that? Be a man! Stand up for your art!

You can read a full review on Misikal.com next Wednesday so stay tuned!

Hoods, The Plague, and Gavin DeGraw

I'm sick.
Like very sick.
But not as sick as I thought I was.
But there's still time.

I think I have strep, but hey at least it's not throat cancer or the plague. Unfortunately, because I went to the doctor to confirm the absence of cancer and the plague in my body, I now cannot afford to go check for strep. According to Google it will go away by itself but I've probably infected everyone I've come in contact with. Sorry guys! If anyone has about 60 bucks they could spare, you'd really being doing the great Denver metro area a favor.

The thing I've been hating most about being sick are the things I miss out on! I've been holed up in my apartment, trying to not spread infectious diseases, while everyone is out celebrating Cinco de Mayo, doing shots of tequila, and sending me drunk text messages. I hate to stand on the sidelines when it's not my choice. We all know I'm a social person that needs lot of down time. But it's down time on my terms! Not some bacteria that has taken up residence in my throat! That is so gross to thing about by the way. Does that mean every time I swallow it goes into my stomach, because that can't be good. Am I just spreading the disease around my body? This could be worse than the plague.

And in the spirit of being sick and tired and lethargic, what is it about hoods that are so darn comforting? They're seriously right up there with chicken noodle soup and hugs from mom. When you're cold, or sad, or swallowing bacteria into your belly, there's nothing like a nice hood to make you feel better. When you're feeling especially crummy, you flip that hood over your head, pull your sleeves down over your thumbs, cross your arms, slouch in your chair and make a miserable face. Next to orange juice, this is the best remedy for a cold, trust me.

Well, I feel especially crummy and am without a hood, so I'm going to try to find comfort some other way (possibly some Resses Peices?)

PS- "Crazy For This Girl" by Evan and Jaron just came on my Pandora station. Everyone make a nostalgic sigh together...

PPS- Go buy a copy of Gavin DeGraw's new album that drops today! I haven’t listened to it yet, but I'm quite sure it has to be amazing. I mean come on, it's Gavin!

The Perks of Being a Band-Aid

Genny wrote me on Facebook yesterday saying the guys from The New Frontiers were going to stay with her Wednesday and Thursday night (tonight). She said she wanted Jack Jack and I to come over and hang. But 8pm rolled around with no phone call and I figured Casa Bonita was just too much fun and they wouldn't be making it back to her apartment at a reasonable hour. So I threw my hair in a pony tail, slipped into some PJs and got ready (happily) for an early night of inevitably falling asleep at 9. But hey, I'm a working girl and have to get up at 5am these days.

Of course, shortly after I started this "nightarising" routine, Genny calls and says her roommates are gone and doesn't want to be alone when the band gets there. Jackie luckily was already at my apartment picking up some edemome and strawberries. I threw on some jeans, took my hair out of a pony before a crease could settle in and we were on our way. I set an 11pm curfew for myself, which I quickly reconsidered and changed to 11:30. Once we got to Genny's house I did some inward negotiations and allowed myself to leave at midnight, convinced I would turn into a pumpkin anytime after that.

Long story short, the guys were hilarious, I got wrapped up in label gossip and "The String Theory," got home at 1:30 and got to sleep by 2. I dragged myself out of bed at 6:30 (and hour and a half late) and still made it to work by 7:30. Not too shabby.

Did you know the secret to the universe can be found at The Snake Pit on 13th and Welton? It's true. And next door has the best three meat and pineapple pizza in Denver, but should always be followed by a run to Wendys.

Tonight is the show and everyone should go! The Falcon Bowl on Broadway, near the Gothic. Tickets are 6 bones and the show gets started at 9pm. And if you're interested... www.purevolume.com/thenewfrontiers

Hottubbing should be interesting. More on that later...

It Would be My Honor to be Your Maid

This blog is too damn depressing. Seriously, stop reading it, I'm way too much of a Debby Downer. I promise to keep things a bit more light hearted from here on out. What do I have to complain about? The quarter-life-crisis is over and that sad excuse for a boyfriend is out of my life. Things are good!! The sun is shining and I feel like twirling with a bright pink umbrella!

I've decided to work 4 ten hour days this week. I'm starting to think that this was a poor choice, but the three day weekend I have to look forward to is really worth the long hours. Thursday night we are going to see The New Frontiers at The Falcon. I'm so excited! First off, The Falcon is a bowling alley AND a music venue. Good God, does it get any better than that? I submit that it does not. And TNF are just a good group of guys. Genny knows them and through her amazing networking skillz, I have become acquainted with the band as well. They have requested a hottubbing session after their set... This night could get interesting, but it’s something much needed since the whole Mikey Brian fiasco. I can turn my attention to some other than MB for once and the best part is that they leave the next day and I can go back to flying solo. Love it! Wow, I sound like a whore. Those of you who know me well know I'm not talking about sexy time. So get your mind out of the gutter and get on the abstinence bus! Ok, now I just sound like a dork.

Speaking of Mikey Brian, haven't heard much from him lately, other than his cursed facebook statuses (stati?) that pop up on my newsfeed. I hate it and I need it all at the same time. I’ve come to understand myself as something of a masochist. I do things and thrive on things that really aren’t good for me, but it’s just my way of working through stuff. Pretty soon I won’t care anymore and I won’t even think to look twice when his name appears on my status list… Facebook is taking over my life.

After work today I am going to go pick up my brand new bike! And by brand new, I mean really really old. But it's brand new to me, and apparently it's neon. And you know me, I'm a fan of anything that showcases the colors of the rainbow. I'll post pictures once I get it! Now if I could only get up to catch the bus, I'll never have to drive again!

My sister is getting married! I am so excited! I am, of course, the maid of honor. I am so happy for her and really believe she and Bryan are going to be so happy. And the best part? His last name is Grizwald! Hahaha. It’s so amazing I could throw up. It’s gotten me to thinking about wedding music and what would be tragically romantic and freakin hilarious to play, you can read that little piece of blogging dribble at http://www.misikal.com/. It hits the web tomorrow morning, so keep an eye out!

Ok, enough plugging. I should get back to work, but I’d like to leave you with this one musical recommendation. Sleeping at Last. Check them out. They’ve got the greatest lyrics, especially if you’re going through a difficult thime. Their words are like a supportive thumbs, saying “you done good kid, and you’re gonna be ok.” They saved me quite a few times, and I think good things like that shouldn’t be kept a secret :)

I'm Getting My Damn IPod Back

You know, these past few days I’ve been racking my brain. Did I do the right thing? Was I over reacting about that night with the bathroom incident? Well there you have it, some strange force in our world telling me to doubt my intuition. I KNEW she was a slut and I KNEW he was an ass.

Well, turns out I was right. Good luck with him honey, you’re gonna need it. Because in a few weeks he’ll be tired of you too and end up in a bathroom with a girl sluttier than yourself. Enjoy.

A Piece of Something Bigger

Some thoughts on love I wrote a few weeks ago.

"...love is such a huge thing, or so I hear. I know love isn't like the movies or the songs or the Jane Austen novels. But it's big in a different way. It means respect and the utmost honesty, and the promise that you trust this one person with your heart, and they promise to take care of it. But people are flawed and they forget to keep their promises. That's why it's so scary.

When you decide succumb to love, you have made a conscious decision to let down your walls and allow the potential of heart break to enter your life because this beautiful person you have found is worth it in every way. You know that no matter how much they could hurt you in the future, or how badly everything could end, you wouldn’t give up what you have with them right now for anything.

That is love."

Am I completely off? Those of you who have actually BEEN in love, let me know what you think...

My Deepest Apologies to Elizabeth and Susan

Man it’s hard to be a chick these days. Ok, maybe not as hard as it was for Elizabeth Cady Stanton, but still, there are some things that have been grinding my gears lately. I think society has fooled us into thinking we are completely liberated and free to speak our mind on anything. And for some brave women, this is very true. I mean, say what you will about Hilary Clinton, but at least she’s standing up and speaking her mind, regardless if you agree with what she’s saying. On that principle alone, I think she’s great. And my friend Caitlyn, who amazes me everything time she stands up for her and is respected for it. But take someone like me for example. I’m no submissive housewife, but I’m also not exactly outspoken. This has really become clear to me in my relationships with men. And not just MY relationships, most women in general deal with this. We are forced to do this incredibly difficult balancing act. As women we want to be respected and to be able to speak our minds and be completely open and honest in everything we do, but as girlfriends we are forced to hold back and choose our words and timing carefully at the risk of being labeled “clingy.” I hate that word. I think that could be the most feared word by women in the relationship dictionary. Heaven forbid we let someone know we care about them and shame on us for getting upset when the person we are “with” blatantly snubs us at a party for a girl in a low cut shirt and an eager eye. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

There’s this “author” Christian Carter. He writes about relationships and how women can “keep” their men and get them to commit. I’ll admit, I read his newsletter because I figure I can use all the help I can get. But honestly, the guy just pisses me off more than helps me out. His advice is full of what the woman is doing wrong. He encourages us to think about what WE (women) are doing wrong in every single situation. Every trouble in a relationship can obviously be blamed on both people involved, but this misogynistic idiot tells women that if they change everything about themselves in order to give their “man” enough space to breathe, eventually he’ll come around and decide he’ll keep you for a while longer. And if it doesn’t work out, well you clearly scared him away. Never mind most men are “scared” of commitment because what of society has told us it looks like (eh hem, Everybody Loves Raymond). No, it’s clearly the way you approached the situation. Honesty is really never the best policy; you need to trick him into being with you.

He writes a lot about “the talk,” where you decide where the relationship is going and if you both are ready for a commitment. But apparently being straight with a man and lying everything out for him is a deadly mistake. Apparently men are a fragile species who run away at the first sign of honesty. So censor yourself ladies. Quiet those inclinations to speak your mind to the people you care about, that is if you want to keep them around.

I’m, as usual, speaking from experience. For the past few weeks I’ve noticed the relationship I’ve been in has fizzled a bit… Ok a lot. I’ve gotten so wrapped up in what I should say and what I shouldn’t say and what that could mean for us. And I think that’s actually good, obviously there’s a difference between censorship and choosing our words wisely, but I’ve held so much back and keep my mouth shut so I can be the “cool girlfriend.” The one who doesn’t care if he disappears into a bathroom with another girl for 20 minutes, or if said girl is hanging all over him all night. No no, I’ll put up a happy front and put up with him, because that’s what good little girls do. I think the last straw for me was when ass and slut emerged from the bathroom, slut wiped her mouth off and when I told ass I was leaving he looked at me with sad yet willing eyes and said “well I thought we could… you know, hang out some more.” Oh YES! Please, let’s go fool around now that you’ve finished with Slutty McSlutterson over there. Nothing puts me in the mood like infidelity and blatant disrespect.

He, of course, is blissfully oblivious and I, of course, still care for him, and God only knows why. A stronger woman would’ve kicked this kid to the curb weeks ago, but I still hang on, trying to be optimistic and not judge him for things he did while drinking. I mean he DID call me when he got home, at 5 in the morning, completely drunk. But at least he called right? Susan B Anthony is turning in her grave right now and I don’t blame her a bit.

The Testimonial of a Self-Proclaimed “Deeply Single Person”

There are a lot of words for what I am. Quirkyalone, independent, deeply single, emotionally incapable of a healthy, long lasting relationship… the list goes on. But I’ve finally come to a place in my life where I can honestly say that 95% of the time I would rather be alone. I would rather wake up in my bed, stretched out diagonally, taking up all the sheets and mattress rather than huddled with my corner of the comforter and worrying about morning breath. I would rather cook dinner for myself and have left overs for a week than share with someone who will eat their fair share and leave me with maybe one day’s worth of food, tops. I would rather struggle with 10 bags of groceries and 3 trips to my car parked a block away and have a sense of self satisfaction than call up my “knight in shining armor” to help me. I would rather wear pants for 2 weeks and not shave my legs. There, I said it. The jig is up.

I’ve always been a rather social person, but I also require a large amount of down time to level myself out. I need self reflection and quiet nights at home to reach a place in my life where I can function normally around other human beings. Candles are a blessing and inspirational books are a necessity in my life. It’s hard to reach this type of sanity when you are constantly in the arms of another person, wondering if he’s noticed your un-manicured nail beds and not-so-perfect skin. Udder madness if you ask me and not something I can stomach for very long.
I have this theory, for us “quirkyalones” as Sasha Cagen so lovingly named us. We’re not like the rest of the world’s women out there searching desperately of their soul mate. I have already found mine. They are my best friends. People of the opposite sex are just here for our amusement and when they aren’t amusing anymore, we shouldn’t waste another moment of our precious and sacred sanity on them. Don’t get me wrong, love is not a game and I don’t believe in toying with other people’s emotions. But when every night brings with it disappointment and that deep connection you yearn for so much just isn’t there, it’s time to light some candles and reevaluate some things.

I think there comes a point in any relationship where you have to shake yourself out of the denial you’ve been living in and realize that when he’s coming over to see you, you SHOULD be excited. And if you’re not, well that’s a bright red flag. And when you’d rather spend time with your friends 100% of the time and use them as excuses to distance yourself, well that’s another bright red flag. And pretty soon you have red flags coming out your ears and this “fairy tale” has lost its magic. It’s time for the talk.

But how does one go about this “talk.” The longest relationship I’ve ever had was 2 weeks, and the last breakup chat I had to do was through a text message. Wow, I’m really making myself look good here… The point is, “the talk” is never an easy one (and definitely something that should not be done electronically) and I have very little experience with it. So I have some options. I could be mature and direct. Sit him down; tell him calmly and maturely that things just aren’t what they used to be and that I think we are going different directions in life. Or I could write him a Dear John letter. This option has a lovely olde world, romantic charm to it. Like something out of Far From the Madding Crowd or a Jane Austen novel. I could buy a calligraphy set and pen something tragically romantic and depressing, leaving it on his door and giving it a kiss, as if I were kissing him goodbye, one last time… Or I can go the conniving route and get him to break up with me, which not only is less work for me in the long run, but gives me a solid reason to have a good cry and eat a lot of chocolate.

So for now I’ll surround myself with shiny happy things. I’ll put my feet in the grass and reconnect with the earth. I’ll remind myself that I am all I need to survive in this world and that having someone there beside me, while a blessing a truly something to be thankful for, will not save my life, or even make my life. Today is my life, and who knows how many I have left. I’d rather not spend them worrying about my nail beds or where to find a calligraphy set.

In regards to my last post...

Sometimes second chances aren't so bad after all :)

Delusional Atonement

Do you know what my problem is? I give way to many second chances. I give them away before they're even asked for. I have a self destructive belief in the thought that "people can change." Which, more often that not is a load of bologna. But I hold out for the times when it's not.

"Oh if we hang out one more time he'll totally see how great I am."
"Well, I'm sure something happened and that's why he didn't call like he said he would... again. I'll just wait to see what he says."

I've read "He Just Not that Into You" and I know the signs. He only wants to hang out when he's drunk, he doesn't call like he says he will and that vibe that you wish so much was there, just isn't.

And yet, I hold out for that next text message, the beautiful ray of hope that a phone call brings, and those hopes fall on flat ears when day after day, there is no phone call. And that's when the chick flicks get taken out of their cases and the "veganism" goes out the window because soy ice cream just doesn't do the job like double chocolate caramel delight can.

Despite all the trouble and, dare I say it, dispair, that comes along with a flaky crush, all is forgiven when the phone rings and his voice is on the other line.

This isn't about one person in particular... well ok maybe it is, but really it's everyone I have ever been interested in. I second guess myself at first, convince myself that it's worth being vulnerable for and then get rammed by the rejection truck.

And I'm sitting here, looking at a "no new messages" display on my phone and trying so hard to call it a day and move on to other pursuits. But that damn, ever present, optimist in me says "just give it some time. You never know what might happen." And that's the thing, I think I'm addicted to the unknown, to the mysterious and romantic idea of his atonement and heart felt apology to which I will melt into with week knees and an open heart.

All of this, of course, is sure to never happen and I'll go to bed for the next week, checking my phone in vain and kicking myself for my delusional ideas of love.

Metaphors

Why is it that when someone else is doing all the match making work it's easy to think everything will work out and rejection gets pushed out of mind because "you're in good hands." It's like taking a taxi ride in Paris where the drivers are supremely out of their minds. They weave in and out, cut people off and speed like maniacs. But you push the thoughts of danger and fear out of your mind because this is a paid employee driving you about, a "professional!"But, really, being a taxi driver in no way qualifies someone to drive this way and certainly does not decrease the risks involved with such behavior. The fact of the matter is, you can still easily crash and burn.

Long story short, she looked up from her phone and said, rather gravely, "it's not you, it's him."

Hello heart! Meet Mr Dagger, he's here to impale you and inject you with self-loathing. Enjoy!

When shoved in the ring with rejection I was knocked out in the first round, despite all my best one-legged, karate kid moves.

All this irrationality is a case-in-point. I should not be dating, or even thinking about dating right now.

Redemption

written at 12:30 am January 6th, 2008

I'm not sure why I titled this "redemption." I usually wait until after I'm finished to figure out a title but that word just unveiled its self to me so I guess I shouldn't ignore it.

Redemption

I'm sitting in the dark right now, reminiscing on the past week and all the sunshine and butterflies it held and I"m asking myself why they had the leave in this one fleeting moment of solitude.

I was deliriously, gleefully happy. Seriously! After a rather emotional time in my life where a good majority of my time was either spent being sad or hiding the fact that I was sad, I had a moment of shear collapse where I pulled the covers over my head and silently yelled "I need you, I don't know what to do. Please help me."

Now this is a rather abridged version of my journey into and out of despair but, despite my inexplicable need to pour my heart out to a computer screen and digital world, somethings are best kept between me and... well me.

The following days were spent in as much isolation as I could find (or get away with) and plenty of soul searching. I only revealed myself to one person and her understanding and admissions to her own depression and sadness are what I attribute to the beginnings of my recovery. She was the beginning of my redemption. And I really didn't want to spill my guts to ANYONE, not even someone as close to me as she is (and I haven't dropped her name because there's no sense in dragging her into my addiction to unnecessary internet honesty) but no wall can stay up forever and mine were about to crumble, well at least a portion. (I have yet to have a Good Will Hunting moment where I collapse into someone's arms while they say "it's not your fault, it's not your fault.") But I feel like that moment may be somewhere nearby, lurking in a dark alleyway waiting for some inopportune time to jump out and mug me of all my emotional standoffishness. But talking to this dear friend and being able to relate to her same experiences made me realize I wasn't totally alone and for second, a single fleeting second, I almost saw that glimmer some people call hope.

I stopped taking my medication, decided to leave school, became a vegan, toasted to the new year and was legitimately happy. I shouldn't say "was." I AM happy. Maybe not euphorically so, but I am happy... It's been a busy week.

But now I'm back here again. No I'm not in complete despair but I'm not like I was just 24 hours earlier when I couldn't stop smiling. I twas even different just 5 hours earlier when I was planning road trips and future endeavors, joining a new church and envisioning myself in a new community who want to experience God and life in a real and poetic way.

Maybe I got ahead of myself. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew... too much to fast you know? Am I really this fragile? Do I really have to abstain from weaving too much fabrics into my life because of the risk of an accidental overdose (now that's a dual metaphor for ya). At any rate, anxiety has taken up residence in my chest again and it really feels like he never elft. But htis time I honestly have no idea why he's come back. I mean sure I've gotten involved in some new things but they all legitimately make me happy.

Maybe I'm afraid of all the new people in my life? I seriously think I'm on of those people who can't be overly social without needing a lot of down time in return. Sometimes I foret this and max out socially and then slip into this state that leaves me stunted and unable to leave the comforts of my bedroom.

The anxiety is still here, but at least this time there's the fresh memory of what it's like to be stable and happy and with that fresh memory comes hope. And to keep depression from rearing his ugly head, I have armed myself with the essentials: a journal, good music, pretty candles and good friends in the form of beautiful words (Blue Like Jazz, Eat Pray Love and the Bible)

I think I've come up with another source of this anxiety. For some dumb reason I've got it in my head that i should start dating! I mean, I know I've come into a better place but why on Earth would I think it was a good idea to even attempt to THINK about dating?

You know when you have the flue for a long time and when you finally stop puking your brains out you really want to get out of the house and end up engaging in some activity that's far to involved for your fragile health. You're weak and and shaky and need help just climbing a set of stairs. You wear yourself out and end up feeling miserable just because you got ahead of yourself fin your recovery.

This is how I feel.
And this is my recovery.

I can't jump into too many things at once and I should stay away from activities that will set me back, like dating for instance, I need to be gentle with myself and realize that I AM fragile right now and that's ok. It's ok and quite necessary to say no once in a while. It's ok to plan and scheme but don't get ahead of yourself again. Enjoy each day you're int he midst of. It's ok to be wild and crazy but you need to balance yourself out with plenty of self reflections, prayer and mellow honest conversation.

Speaking of honestly...

That's what we talked about at church tonight. Amazing how God finds ways to speak directly to you and says exactly what you NEED to hear whether you WANT to or not. They encouraged us to have honest relationships with other people which is SUCH a hard thing for me. It's not that I lie, it's just that I keep so many things in. But it's something that I know I desperately need to have, my life depends on it, but that much vulnerability is absolutely terrifying to me. Most people would say it's because they've been completely honest with people and it's come back to them in a painful way. People us this honesty to hurt each other. And I really wish I could say that that is the reason I have so many issues with honesty. I wish I could say I tried to be honest so many times and people just stabbed me in the back with it. But I've never even given them the chance. I know what the human species is capable of. I know that with vulnerability also comes very good chances of betrayal and pain. So I've never given anyone the chance to betray me. But in doing that, I've really betrayed myself. I've kept all this toxic waste inside me and it's caused more damamge than protection. The things I keep inside, the secrets, are like poison and they're eating me up from the inside out.

Goals
*No dating
*More honesty
*No dairy

Validation

I received one of the best compliments anyone can receive last night...
My friend Jordan looked at me and said "you look happy," almost is a slight sense of disbelief.

I am happy.

It's sort of ironic that I have entered a spring of my existence in the dead of winter.