In regards to my last post...

Sometimes second chances aren't so bad after all :)

Delusional Atonement

Do you know what my problem is? I give way to many second chances. I give them away before they're even asked for. I have a self destructive belief in the thought that "people can change." Which, more often that not is a load of bologna. But I hold out for the times when it's not.

"Oh if we hang out one more time he'll totally see how great I am."
"Well, I'm sure something happened and that's why he didn't call like he said he would... again. I'll just wait to see what he says."

I've read "He Just Not that Into You" and I know the signs. He only wants to hang out when he's drunk, he doesn't call like he says he will and that vibe that you wish so much was there, just isn't.

And yet, I hold out for that next text message, the beautiful ray of hope that a phone call brings, and those hopes fall on flat ears when day after day, there is no phone call. And that's when the chick flicks get taken out of their cases and the "veganism" goes out the window because soy ice cream just doesn't do the job like double chocolate caramel delight can.

Despite all the trouble and, dare I say it, dispair, that comes along with a flaky crush, all is forgiven when the phone rings and his voice is on the other line.

This isn't about one person in particular... well ok maybe it is, but really it's everyone I have ever been interested in. I second guess myself at first, convince myself that it's worth being vulnerable for and then get rammed by the rejection truck.

And I'm sitting here, looking at a "no new messages" display on my phone and trying so hard to call it a day and move on to other pursuits. But that damn, ever present, optimist in me says "just give it some time. You never know what might happen." And that's the thing, I think I'm addicted to the unknown, to the mysterious and romantic idea of his atonement and heart felt apology to which I will melt into with week knees and an open heart.

All of this, of course, is sure to never happen and I'll go to bed for the next week, checking my phone in vain and kicking myself for my delusional ideas of love.