Outlooks

Oh no, another prolonged absence from the blogging world. I'm seriously hoping this won't become a trend because one of my goals for the year is to really grow this blog and commit to it.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want this should look like, this little place where I go to spill my beans. What do I want it to be about and where do I think it ought to go. In a really simplified essence, all I want is an audience and quality content to give to them. I suppose you could construe "wanting an audience" as being a bit self involved and nihilistic. But let's be honest here, not many of us have blogs for totally selfless purposes. No one wants what they have to say go unheard.

So there you have it, my two end goals:

1) Audience

2) Quality content

But I also want to gear myself towards a better theme and concept. I named the blog "Hindsight" in a bit of a passive move many years ago, before I even wrote in it regularly. But I haven't been able to bring myself to change it. There's so much that can be found in Hindsight. Knowledge, regret, humor, the list goes on. But here's where you guys come in. Since you're the ones reading and commenting, what do you want to see from me? Do you want more pictures, more socially and globally aware posts (something I'd like to add more of this year), inspiration blogging, creative pieces I've written, sniveling boy drama (I don't really have time for boys, but if you want it, I can make some up). Let me know what you want to see, what you're interested. I want to research the world for you. Tell me where I should sail off to...

PS- I'll probably only be posting once a week for a while with school and all. What are your thoughts on that? Keeps you hanging and wanting? Or makes the blog forgettable?

PPS- A new project is coming up very VERY soon and I'm so excited to share it with you all. It's something that's really going to make this year something special.

{photo found here}

Shake the Dust

Heavy and Light started a year ago after the death of Casey Calvert from Hawthorne Heights. It's a concert put on by To Write Love on Her Arms who's aim is to bring awareness and support to those suffering from addiction, depression and self injury.

This is a video of Anis Mojgani, two time National Slam Poetry champion, from Heavy and Light.

Anis Mojgani performs Shake the Dust at HEAVY AND LIGHT. from To Write Love on Her Arms. on Vimeo.

This has inspired me so much on many different levels. I've been hearing so much about the pain in Haiti as well as the great sense of community that has arisen out of the tragedy. That coupled with these really encouraging and affirming videos from Heavy and Light has made my heart feel like it might explode at any moment.

I promise not to bug you too much with this, but as I read more from my friends in Haiti and how very much they need help, I have to ask you to please consider donating to Heartline by clicking the paypal button below or the link on the side of the page.

"So grab this world by its clothes pin and shake it out again and again. And jump on top and take it for a spin. And when you hop off, shake it again. For this is yours... Walk into it, breathe it in, let it crash through the halls of your arms like millions of years and millions of poets coursing like blood, pumping and pushing, making you live, shaking the dust. When the world comes knocking at your front door, clutch the knob tightly and open on up. And run forward into its widespread, greeting arms with your hands in front of you, finger tips trembling though they may be."

Very Important- Please Read!

In April of 2009 I spent a little more than a week in Haiti. The country is very dear to my heart and I miss it very much.

Today a 7.2 earthquake hit Haiti. There were twitter posts from a group called Hands and Feet Project that said they actually saw the mountain crack down the middle. People are crying out in the streets and under the collapsed hospital. The city of Port au Prince is in chaos and the palace is destroyed. To Haitians, that means there is no more government.

I made many friends and held many little hands during my visit to Heartline and thank God they are all OK. They are sleeping outside tonight because of aftershocks and structural damage to buildings that wouldn't exactly live up to standard US building codes in the first place.

The needs to be met are still unclear and the midwives and program directors are still in the midst of chaos, but one thing I am sure of is the need for money. Their security walls, which are 100% necessary in Haiti (along with a guard armed with a semi automatic weapon) all fell at the women's center, both orphanages and all the homes of those working for Heartline. That's just the start. When the shock of this disaster has worn off (and their internet is back up) I'm sure we'll hear the full extent of the damage. But a quick image search on google is eye opening enough.

In lieu of what's happened, I've added a PayPal account button. All money donated will go straight to Heartline.

If this blog has any purpose whatsoever, it's this: providing a voice to those who have no internet, no power, no plumbing, and no roofs. Providing a voice for the voiceless.

If you feel led at all to give, I sincerely thank you, and so does everyone at Heartline. If giving is an impossibility, and believe me I understand that, please send your prayers, good thoughts, vibes, or whatever it is you believe in to these beautiful people in desperate need.

"Please tell the world, Haiti needs them now."

See You when We Sleep

I dreamt about Mr. Long Distance last night. It's been a long time since that's happened. I was throwing a party in my basement. The particulars are a little hazy but I remember a DJ, disco balls and flashing lights. LD came in with a friend and his girlfriend. She was really trashy so at least my subconscious afforded me that much. She had that super long faded brown hair that was in desperate need of a hydrating treatment and shorty short dress that disagreed with her thighs immensely.

At the end of the party Roommate and I were cleaning up and she said he had stayed and was asleep in the chair. The one lone chair in the middle of the basement. It was brown corduroy with a bit of a wing back and a skirt around the bottom. Something your grandmother may rock herself to sleep in every afternoon after lunch and she watches her stories.

He was indeed passed out, curled in a little ball, his head propped up a little with his fist and his face in a bit of a dreamlike pout. I brought him over a blanket ands started unfolding it. My hand reached for his hair and as I ran my fingers through it, I began to weep. He woke up, looked at me blankly and said he had a phone interview soon. I nodded, left him with the blanket and went to my room.

Would you suggest I seek therapy if I said this was just as comforting as it was depressing?

Sparkle

She loved that on more than one occasion she'd roll over and find a well worn book to be her bed fellow. It truly made her happy to feel the raised markings on a notebook full of her own handwriting. She found it endearing that she often discovered pens in curious places around her room, in tissue boxes for instance. Think of that, to find yourself endearing! The truth is that she loved her identity her books and her writing. She loved what her spirit was growing into those days, something feathery that shone when the sun hit it just right. Despite the frozen ground beneath her feet and the ever persistent grey sky above her, she couldn't help but feel as if rays of light might burst through her at any moment. She held on to those warm feeling as close as she could because she knew they never lasted long.

Obsessing

I'm on a classic literature kick. Once I finished Pride and Prejudice I couldn't stop saying "thither" and "Daawwcy" all British-like. I'm alternating Austen with the Brontes (sorry, I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to put those two dots on top of the E). I'm currently getting to know a young woman by the name of Eyre. It's amazing how the differences in their styles so clearly show the great differences in these young women's lives.

Despite being nearly destitute, I was walking past a bookstore the other day and popped in for a quick look and perhaps a bargain purchase or two. I came out with these. I know you've all seen the pictures by now. They've finally found a prize spot on my book shelf. I don't even remember enjoying the Scarlet Letter the first time I read it, but how could I not buy it?

I dare say Miss Austen is giving me false hopes for ever finding a chivalrous man with whom I can make love, as they meant in their time. If he is not a tragically flawed, socially inept, despicable man with genuine intentions, a quiet sense of responsibility, noble air and gentle yet serious way of loving (not to mention an awesome house and loads of money), I simply cannot bring myself to give him a second look. PS, have you seen this movie? It's three hours long but I loved every moment. It's clever and hilarious. If you have instant watch on Netflix, stop what you're doing and go watch it. If not, let me know. You can borrow my copy.

This trailer is a bit dodgy. If you want to watch a better one click here.

Narrative

{here}

She clamored to remember that wretched feeling. That crumpled over, hands tight around her middle, crying in the fetal position on the bathroom tile feeling. But it wouldn't come back. Just a few days ago she could call upon it with nothing more than a forced recollection of the way his hands or his hair felt. Try as she might, not even the love poems he wrote her could make her heart feel like it was being violently ripped apart anymore. That pain was comfortable and familiar and she longed for it. Hurting that way meant she could still keep him a part of her life in a small, dysfunctional manner. But a new face kept forcing its way into her mind and the corners of her mouth would lift themselves up a little. Instead of a violent ripping in her chest, something more pleasant yet equally uncomfortable arouse. It was like a sparrow's wings flapping about and her fingers felt electric. That scared her enough to resolve to never think of him again. Happiness, however, is difficult to control sometimes.

New Happy Year

Hello my pretties. You all look so lovely in the glow of a new decade. I realize I'm five days late in this, but I was in North Carolina to celebrate the new year with my sister and have been attempting to recover ever since (not necessarily from hungover-ness, but more from too-much-family-ness). I'd like to take you all (if for no one's benefit but my own) on a guided tour down my life in last year of the first decade of the second millennium.

1.) 2009 was a really memorable year for me, possibly in a not so good way. I hate to say it but I owe that mostly to Mr. Long Distance. I'd really like to say he was nothing more than small discomfort for a month or so. But I think you can look back at all his tags and know that he was much much more than that. He is how I started the year (literally. He was my New Year's kiss), and even though I've had this blog for longer, that's really the post that started my true blog journey. So maybe I should thank him for that. Or maybe not.

It should go without saying that a goal for 2010... actually I think resolution is appropriate here (despite my annoyance with resolutions). I resolve to let this go, to allow myself think of him less and less every day and be ok with that, to look into the faces of other kind men and not think about him and that he made feel rotten, literally. Roommate has suggested we retire his name completely. She's a very smart lady.

2.) I moved in with this crazy lady (on the left). I've never seen myself living successfully with a roommate but this girl has put up with me marvelously from day one. We butt heads sometimes. I annoy her from time to time and she returns the favor, but when it comes down to it I am so lucky to be cohabitating with her. We've gotten so close that 90% of the time when we're out together people think we're a couple. We're totally ok with that. I'm looking forward to 2010 with her. We have some exciting new ideas that I can barely keep a secret anymore. Look for that in the next few weeks (or months depending on how busy we are).

3.) I spent nine very difficult yet very blessed days in Haiti. I worked with an organization called Heartline Ministries that changed the way I look at the world, religion and the necessity of faith in seemingly hopeless situations. I desperately want to go back but since I've yet to be able to put a dollar into savings since 2008 it doesn't look as if it will be happening anytime soon.

4.) I finished the Harry Potter series for the first time. Is there anything more to say really? You all get what an accomplishment this is. I'm truly obsessed with the wizarding world... and Ron Weasley. So much so my dear friend SP made me a shirt for Christmas that said "I love Gingers."

5.) I gave up social networking for the summer. The best decision I've ever made. I may do it again this year.

6.) I turned 22. That was anticlimactic.

7.) I began my path in gaining a degree in creative writing. It was my first real semester back on campus after taking a year off. I was challenged, to be sure. Sir Elliot tried to wear me down but in the end I came out his class with an A and still wanting to be a writer, more so than ever. Maybe he wasn't such a bad teacher after all? Nah. Here a post that I often look back on and laugh at, though I was pretty miserable in the moment.

8.) I decided to live a good story.

9.) I met a lovely new boy who, in all likelihood, is very much infatuated with one of my best friends. Oomph. (I suppose more on this later).

*the boy in the photograph is not the boy i'm referring to. but he is nice to look at, no?

10.) In about 6 months I will most likely be living in Austin.

Not a shabby year all together I'd say! Thank you all for sharing in it with me. I'm excited to really devote my self even further to the concept of this blog and potentially others soon! Here's to 2010 and the endless opportunities that await us!