When God Sings

I had a realization today in my car. As I was driving to church it just hit me...

The best way God communicates with me is through music.

I feel a little silly just now realizing this, I mean it makes sense. I love music, it's what I turn to when I have no where else to turn, it's my best friend and my inspiration, which all happen to be God like characteristics. (I would like to state however that I in no way believe the musically stylings of Britney Spears or Telia Tequila in anyway reflect God, Jesus, and/or the Holy Spirit.)

When I'm suffocating and I've totally lost my direction, I always have a moment. I could be in the car, in the shower, or in my room with a blanket over my head listening to a song and a lyric will just strike me. I could have listened to this particular song a million times before but in this moment, this line is what matters most, and I think that's totally God. When it comes to spiritual matters, I'm not the best listener. I tend make very simple things complicated. But music... Music is simple. Music is bold and tends to hit me over the head when I have my hands over my ears screaming like a child because I'm afraid of hearing something I won't like.

So let me tell you about the song God sang to me this morning...

I was listening to Matt Nathanson's new album Some Mad Hope. At face value, I honestly wasn't too excited about the CD, but I had a gift card and I wanted to get out of Best Buy as soon as possible. I've listened to the album about 5 times now and each time it gets better and better, like wine. As I was driving to church this morning I was sort of half listening to the song playing and half cursing the train passing by for making me late.

And then I heard him repeat a line that stuck out... "come on let's make this dream that's half awake come true."

When I heard that line, I hit back so I could listen to the song from the start. The song appealed to me because for what ever reason, songs about packing up and leaving everything you know and starting over in a new world strikes me as an incredibly romantic notion. It's something I've always wanted to do. But really that's not what the song is wholely about, at least not to me at that moment. That's the magical thing about music. The writer may have wrote the song about one thing but to the hundreds of people that listen to it, there are a hundred different meanings, and I think that's beautiful.

Anyway... back to God's song.

It was mostly just that one line that hit me "come on let's make this dream that's half awake come true." I felt like it was God speaking directly to me. He was saying, "Come on Sarah, I know you don't know where your life is going right now and it feels like you're losing control, but I have plans for you, beautiful plans, magical plans. And I know that it's just a dream to you right now, but together we can make it come true. So trust me, you're on the right track, and I'm here with you the whole way. You're going to be ok."

But God likes to be concise, and I believe He is something of a poet, so He just sang, "come on let's make this dream that's half awake come true."

I've been tearing myself apart lately about what I should do with my life. Should I stay in school, should I change my major, should I shave my head (yeah, I'm borderline Britney crazy at this point). Honestly leaving school is what felt the most right, but I couldn't be sure if this was me making my own plans again or if it was what God wanted for me. But in that moment, in that one beautiful line of music, I feel like God sang to me what I needed to hear.

So, I am here to say officially that I will be leaving CU Denver. I won't be going back in the spring and it's terrifying to write that. I'm going to miss seeing so many people and I'm absolutely terrified of getting out of touch with people I love so much.

CU Denver will always be a place I look back on with a smile. I learned so much about myself and about other people there, but I'll save my goodbyes for a different day. For now I just want to say that this is something I must do for myself, to find myself again and to find love again. I've lost myself these past couple of months and I need to rediscover why I was put on this earth, because I'm confident that it was for a reason. I am on a quest to find that reason again.
It's incredibly liberating to look yourself and others in the eye and be able to say "I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me and I'm ok with that. I have great aspirations, I just don't know what they are yet."

So here's to 2008 and undiscovered great aspirations!

Gorsical

I saw Sweeny Todd tonight. It was pretty disgusting. I knew what it was about going into it, and knowing Tim Burton's screwed up mind, I set myself up for two hours of gore. It was a "gorsical" if you will. There was plenty of good music and Johnny Depp has a surprisingly good voice, or at least the studio he recorded in made him sound good, either way I liked it. His hair reminded me of Meryl Streep in 101 Dalmatians though. Jamie Campbell Bower was a lovely addition to the cast. As far as I can tell this is his first movie, and more than anything he was lovely to look at, which is usually Johnny's job, but I couldn't shake the Meryl image from my head. I found a picture of Jamie on IMDB that looks like Hilary Duff however. What's with all these good lookin' actors lookin' like chicks man?So, in the end, despite the gore and some sound stuff that annoyed me, the movie was pretty darn good. Good music, good cinematography, good acting. I guess I can't complain too much. I just wish I wasn't so nauseas now.

Blue Like Jazz

I've been reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and it's really effected me. I don't usually like reading religious books. They alway strike me as too "preachy" and out of touch. But I can hardly put this one down and I see myself in every word hes written. But I couldn't exactly put my finger on why I like the book so much. As I was just reading it, the reason struck me. I like it because it's true.

This book is honest in a way that seems to be taboo in the church community. And I'm not talking about the "honest" testimonial you hear every once in a while on Sunday morning where someone gets up and speaks about that one time they drank too much but then saw the error of their ways and started to go to church again. That's not to say that person's experiences aren't valid, but this book's truths are just different. Sure he talks about drugs and alcohol, but it's what the book is about. The book is about the author's struggles with Christianity. He wrestles with the validity of the Christian religion, his issues with the institution of church and he himself getting sucked into conforming to what he thinks a Christian should look like.

I know it sounds like this book is 242 pages of church bashing and God hating, but it's not. It's about boiling down Christian Spirituality to what it was meant to be. Love. Every lesson he learns in his life, every things he struggles with and every realization he has always come back to loving others. As simple as that sounds, I think Christians these days get wrapped up in all the people and things we have to fight against and go to battle with. But that's not a Godly idea. Jesus never fought with anyone. He only loved.

I'm not even done with the book yet, but it's amazing how revealing it is about myself. I can relate to so many sentiments he brings up and all the fears and doubts he has. Yet through it all, he continues to love God and tries to love other people, as much as any human being is capable of.

It's a really encouraging and inspirational book. It's strange that ever since I've been reading it not only have I had some major revelations about my spiritual life (simply writing about my religion and not censoring myself is something major for me) but also my everyday life. Not that the book has given me any advice about whether or not to stay in school but I'm experiencing a sense of calm and acceptance. Not acceptance that my life is as it should be right now, but acceptance that my life is on the right path and things will turn out the way they were meant to. Realizing that you aren't in this alone and that you have someone watching out for you and guiding you may be extremely limiting to some, but for me it's incredibly liberating. It means I can stop lying awake at night wondering what I am doing with my life. Instead I can open my eyes during the day and see what God is doing in my life. It's the most comforting feeling in the world.

ps- yes, i did hint at me dropping out of school... more on that later ;)

Umbrellas

Dear You,
You can't do this alone, and you shouldn't.
You know you're falling further and further away from the person you were and want to be.
If you stand here by yourself the storm will only get worse. There's no shame in asking someone for an umbrella, or even to hold that umbrella for you.
God is always there, even when you think he's not. He is always by your side, holding your umbrella until the sun comes out again. And if you need more than one umbrella, there's a good handful of people in your life who can help keep the rain from falling on your head.
So stop pretending you're so strong. Everyone is vulnerable and that's ok. This isn't some Lifetime movie. This is your life. Take it seriously and live it the way it was meant to be lived.
You were meant to smile, not cry yourself to sleep. You were meant to laugh, not question the validity of yourself. You were meant to touch other people's lives, why is it so hard to convince yourself of that? You were meant to be bold in dark places. This is your chance to be bold.
Remember...
Let other people in. Pushing them away will only make it rain harder.
Strangers give excellent perspectives.
You're family isn't perfect, but that's the perfect thing about them. You don't choose your family, God does, so you know they're in your life for a reason. Hold on to that when you're feeling the worst.
You are loved. Even in the darkest corners of your life. You are loved. And you are meant to love in return.
Love,
Me

Peter Pan Syndrom

The second week of my internship has officially commensed and it's just as awkward as the first day I went in.
I was hoping things would get easier, more comfortable. But that comfort level remains to be seen. I keep making jokes and no one seems to laugh.

I have to wonder what exactly it is that makes me so awkward? If you're a friend of mine, you probably wouldn't peg me as the "painfully shy" type, but if you've ever met me my first week on the job, you know what I'm talking about.

I clam up, my hands get sweaty, breathing becomes a difficult task, and my voice resembles that of a nervous 5 year old. I don't tend to give the best first impressions.

You should see the looks I get from the people I work with at the record label. They are looks of udder confusion. I can see the thoughts on the other side of their eyes. "Why is her voice so squeaky?" "Did she REALLY just say that?" "Is she going to say anything or am I going to have to save this conversation yet again?"

It's painful, it really is.

I want to get past this phase in my life where I'm so unconfident and unsure of myself. I go into situations with the best of intentions and the utmost expectations, and I come out with the same results, sitting in my room bewildered by the word vomit that spilled out of my mouth throughout the day.

I know that the early 20s is a time of self discovery and enlightnement about who I truley am, and I'm sure I will look back on this time and giggle at the silly things I did with my life and the miniscule things I worried about (like the vacant looks my bosses give me) but that doesn't change the tightening in my chest and sick feeling in stomach I feel every time one of my "jokes" fall flat at the office, and when I relive it over and over and over again afterwards.

So out of fear, I remain at my desk when everyone else goes out to lunch. At least when we are in the office, I can retreat to the comforts of my desk and the endless "grunt work" I have before me each day. But the sheer thought of sitting at a table, attempting (and inevitably failing) at small talk with these three guys, who surely think I am some anti social freak at this point, with no where to run when that familiar blank stare crawls across their faces, absolutely terrifies me. And because of this fear I am missing out on important conversations and relationships I can use throughout the rest of my life and career. There's so much I could learn from them if I simply sat down to lunch and picked their brains. But instead, that time of day where they leave to enjoy civilized, unawkward meals is the biggest sigh of relief for me. I am left alone in the office to just be myself. Now why I can't I be myself when they come back?

My oh so helpful sister offered up the explination that I may be able to speak in tounges and don't realize it, which is the cause of the blank stares I receive whenever I open my mouth.
Not likely, but possible I suppose. And at least it made me laugh.

I personally think it's because I try so hard to be the person I think I am or think I should be and in the middle of all the trying, I become someone I never wanted to be.
It's hard realizing you have a lot of growing up to do. Most people are blissfuly ignorant to this fact. It's only visible to everyone else they come in contact with. Even that would be a better alternative to the agonizing realization that you are, in fact, a wreck when it comes to important social encounters.

And what's more difficult is realizing that you have no idea how to fix or change it.
How does one make themselves grow up?
I'd be fine with never growing up, as long as no one else grew up either
Maybe Peter Pan was on to something...

The Remedy

This is how my morning started...
My mom came into my room saying they were about to leave for church and that I shouldn't go outside and to keep every door and window locked. She said there was a shooting at the YWAM campus down the street and the shooter is still at large. 2 people (kids) died and 2 are in critical condition.
What a way to wake up.
As I tried to go back to sleep, I started to feel "the weight of the world on my shoulders," if I may quote the brilliant Bryce Avery. He has this song called "Do You Feel" and it's about seeing so many things wrong with the world and feeling the pain the universe has dealt out to so many around us, near and far, and simply not knowing what to do about it. At some point there is a moment where you look around at world hunger and war and meaningless acts of violence on young people trying to make a difference and think that the situation is helpless.
But I've found the remedy for feeling helpless is to simply help. So I've been sitting here thinking about ways to help. To Write Love On Her Arms is about community and supporting each other when we are hurting. It about recognizing the pain we have in ourselves in someone else and lifting each other up because no one should have to do it alone. It's about reaching out to strangers in their greatest time of need because we really aren't all that strange. We all cry, we all battle demons, and we all experience great times of need.
So this is all I can come up with. I am friends with some of the most creative people in Colorado, and I love that. I love the amazing things my friends create and how they inspire not only me but everyone. So if you feel compelled to reach out to the other people that live in the YWAM house and the families of the kids that were shot, write a poem or a song, draw a picture, or just write a note saying you're praying for them or thinking of them or simply saying "we love you." Granted they are strangers and those three words are small, but they are the most powerful three words, and love is what they need the most right now.
So if you want to give something to me that I will drop off at the house in a few weeks you can mail it to me or find me on campus or just send me a message on here or to my email- sarah.vanwyke@email.cudenver
I know a lot of you may read this and think "oh great, she's found another cause to sink her teeth in" but i heard once that if you have a bad taste in your mouth you should spit it out and not keep swallowing in back.
So I'm spitting it out.
Two young people, our age, are dead. They were working to change the world, to make it better. Maybe I can relate with them, maybe I feel connected because it was a few blocks away from my house, and maybe I'm just mad that such violence can occur this day and age. And out of anger should come something progressive. So out of my anger I'm offering love. Please, think about what a short note of support and love could do for someone who is feeling completely alone and out of touch because their daughter or son or room mate or best friend has just died.
Spit it out, don't continue to swallow it back.

honest conversation

I've had yet another "moment." You know those times in your life when things get so messed up and everything around you is a blur and you're moving in slow motion? And then you slowly realize that to make things right you have to change something, anything. I've been walking in the fog where nothing really makes sense, I use poor judgment and I go looking for validation in all the wrong places, thinking and convincing myself that this one will be different. I don't know what it is about me that attracts all the wrong types of people. People that are really really bad for me. People that add absolutely nothing to my life but tell me I'm pretty or show me an ounce of kindness and all of the sudden they're perfect. I'm a terrible judge of character and far too trusting for my own good.
They say you should never settle. But the only people that are knocking on my door are definitely less than satisfactory. If I don't settle I'm afraid I'll just end up chasing ghosts for the rest of my life.
I'm tired of being taken advantage of and underestimated and looked down upon for whatever reason, like I'm an easy target. It's hard to value yourself when it seems like no one else does.
And trust me, I hate this wilted flower routine I have going. I hate admitting that I don't love myself the way O magazine says I should. I've never really been one to put myself down out loud, but I heard honest conversation is important, so here I am honestly conversing.
I know I've been promised something perfect. Something better than I could ever imagine. And maybe it's just the instant gratification generation I've been born into, but to be quite frank I'm tired of waiting. No I'm not looking for marriage, nothing even close to that. What I'm looking for is someone that can help carry my burden, that I can walk through my life at the moment with. And after writing that sentence I've just realized what I should be looking for...

Tunnels

Do you believe in astrology? That the tides of our lives are controlled by some force guided by the stars? Well I personally think the tides of my life are guided by something much greater than the stars, but I will admit that my horoscope has been oddly correct a number of times.
My point is this, is there some astrological reason for why so many people I know are hurting right now, my self included? I don't need to get into my own set of troubles, you can read my last post to gain an understanding of that. I have a friend who's friend recently killed himself. Another friend's grandfather passed away just last night. And another's father passed away a couple of weeks ago. The list seems to go on. Just turn on the evening news.
And I know that things like this happen all the time, but when they hit you between the eyes whether directly or indirectly, it's hard on the spirit. It's rough to know that not only are you going through hardship, but that a good majority of the people around you are feeling the same pain for one reason or another. Is this what growing up is like? Is this what we have to look forward to as we progress through the years? I remember when I would lay in my bed wondering what it would be like to loose a loved one. Not wishing, just wondering. Well now I know and I wish I didn't.
I wish things were simpler. And I know this isn't a ground breaking, original wish. It seems to be a common theme among adults. Things just get so screwed up as we get older. We get hurt, we build walls, we loose innocence and we loose what we thought we were. But I guess it's inevitable. There's a song by Jon Mclaughlin, intended for his children. It's all about the impotant lessons they need to learn, the ones that really matter. He says, "no one's intended to die, with their heart still intact." We're meant to go through these hard times. We are meant to get beaten down because that's the only way we can know what it feels like to come back. But when the world beats down on not only you but a good majority of the people you love, it's so hard to find the strength. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel that's promised to us. "Everything will turn out good in the end. If it's not good, it's not the end." Well great, so everything is going to suck until the end? I'm only 20, I have a lot more to go through.
I always fancied myself a strong person. But I'm coming to realize that that's all a lie. If I can't handle this, then I have a long rough road ahead of me.
I really don't know where I am going with all this. There's no clear organization and I didn't sit down with a common theme in mind. But that's just where my head is at right now. There's so much running around up there, so much to deal with, so much holding me down that it's hard to even put two complete ideas together.
I'm dealing with the death of my grandfather, I'm seeing so many people I love hurting, I'm dealing with my own inner demons of self worth, I'm seeing regret and denial and loss and guilt and anxiety and pain every day of my life.
But there's always that light at the end of the tunnel right? Well this is one long tunnel.

i just miss him, that's all

This room is cluttered.
Cluttered with distraction. Things to take my mind off of the fact that my grandpa's birthday would be wednesday and the very next day is thanksgiving.
I miss him.
I miss his hands the most. I miss feeling the aged wrinkles that come with a full life of love and experience.
I miss the smell of coffee in their house. I miss the way he would pray before each family meal. "And be it the nourishment of our bodies" he would always say. I being able to say "hi pa" and I miss hugging him goodbye. I never got to say goodbye.
Music helps, or it hurts. But it makes me remember. "Lullaby" by Billy Joel makes me cry now and "Winter" by Bayside is all too real. Our family is close, we love each other, we protect each other, we need each other, but most of all we need him. It's like we're all sharing the same dream and we'll wake up on Wednesday and he'll be home again, laughing at some Looney Tunes cartoon or watching a Cardinals game.
As a believer I know I'm supposed to take "solace" in the fact that he is in a better place now and he is home. I should be rejoicing they say. But I'm not. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe my faith's not as strong as it should be, but I want him here with me now. I want him to bring me flowers at a piano recital again. I want to steal the croutons off the salad before it's brought to the table again. I want to dance with him at my wedding. I want my kids to know him and love him like I do. It's not fair that they will never know him. He will just be a face in a photograph and a character in a story.
So call me selfish, but it's what I want.
You think that you've gotten over it. You think that you've grieved. But grief is a silent enemy. It shows it face at first and then hides under your skin, fooling you into thinking you're fine. And then all of the sudden you can't stop crying again and nothing feels the same anymore. Nothing seems important, nothing seems real, nothing seems worth it. You think you're well adjusted, you think you have a handle on it, but really you're spiraling out of control and there's no one there to catch you.
I'm falling faster, and maybe I need to fall so I know I what it feels like to pick myself back up. I'm tired of picking myself back up. I'm tired of doing things alone. I'm tired of smiling all the time and I'm tired of pretending everything's fine. Well here it is, I am officially telling all of you in this virtual world of honesty that everything is not fine.
I just miss him, that's all.

The Trick of Car Karma

I'm going throw something out there...

The Auraria Campus police are bored.
Apparently there aren't enough rapists, murders and pan handlers in this city. No no, they choose to occupy their time sitting... waiting for some poor student who got stuck in traffic and is now running late for their 8:30 class to run that stop sign on 7th and Curtis. And to be fair, I really didn't "run" the stop sign. I gently rolled through it, all the while making sure there were no pedestrians or vehicles in my way. In fact, there was absolutely no one around. Just me and a couple of bored cops who needed to fill their quota for the month. So, because I rolled through a perfectly safe stop sign I now have a 4 point ticket. FOUR POINTS! For a stop sign! Oh the 'rents aren't going to be happy about this. Not at all.

And what's worse, is I kept forgetting to put my new insurance card in my car. So yes, not only do I have a 4 point ticket, but I now also must go to court in December to prove I have insurance. Fabulous. I can't really complain about the insurance thing though. I'll admit, that one was totally my fault.

I have had some terrible car related karma lately. A couple of weeks ago I (now don't judge me, because i feel terrible about it) hit a man with my car. Now as if that isn't bad enough... He was in a wheel chair. Yes, it's true, I hit a disabled man with my car. I'm pretty sure that's my one way ticket to hell. The whole situation was a little funny though, i'll admit. Against all of our suggestions, he picked himself up back into his chair (yes I knocked him completely out of it) and once he heard we call an ambulance he told us to f*** off and quickly rolled away. Leading everyone who stopped to help to believe that he either had a warrant out or had something on him he didn't necessarily want a paramedic or cop to see. So I didn't get in any trouble for that one (luckily) but still, I relive it everyday. My friend Abby and i decided it would be therapeutic for me to write a song about it, so we did. And let me tell you, that's a hit single right there. I'll have to post it soon. I hate to make light of the situation, but it's better than beating myself up over and over again about something I change. So now I drive a little slower, look a little closer, and have yet to hit anymore wheelchairs.

The State of Affairs

If you were to ask a group of people to make a list of what music is to them, it could go one forever and every single person would have a slightly different list. Music is this infinite intangible inspirational thing that can move mountains if you use it right. But as I look around at the Sony BMGs and the Livenations and Ticketmasters, music is nothing but a bottom line anymore. It's about recording a less than mediocre song called "Gimme More," making a fool out of yourself to promote it and making a handful of middle-aged men in suits and corner offices a lot of money, while the boy pouring his soul out on stage night after night to a bar that's too drunk to care is over looked time and time again.

That's what's wrong with the music industry today, not file sharing or illegal downloads or iTunes, it's what music has been made into. It's the lack of artists who actually have something to say that's killing the industry, not DRM free downloads. People are bored of the Akons and Britneys and Soldja Boys. What do they have to offer? Absolutely nothing. Their words aren't true and their voices aren't organic. They're mixed and tweaked and, let's just say it, they're fake. They have fooled us all into believing that topping the billboard charts is what defines success, when really it's making a connection with another human being through a song that defines music. If an artist can touch me, make me cry, take my breath away and inspire me to pour everything I have into my own piano, then they are success to me. No on in the entire world could buy their album, but to me they are famous.

It's not about the Grammies or the expensive tour busses or mansions in LA, it's about effecting people to the point where they are inspired to do something, be it write their own song, dance like a fool, or create social change in a third world country, or right here at home. Good music, true music, is divine, it changes people, and it brings hope to those who can't be heard or understood by the main stream. But this message of truth can't be heard if it's swallowed by the hollow and meaningless music industry we know today.

We need more Militia Groups and HolidayRuns and LoveDrugs and Bryce Averys and Copelands that actually have something to say! We need record labels and musicians that are more concerned about sending their message to their fans than bands who want their 15 minutes and a quick buck.