In regards to my last post...

Sometimes second chances aren't so bad after all :)

Delusional Atonement

Do you know what my problem is? I give way to many second chances. I give them away before they're even asked for. I have a self destructive belief in the thought that "people can change." Which, more often that not is a load of bologna. But I hold out for the times when it's not.

"Oh if we hang out one more time he'll totally see how great I am."
"Well, I'm sure something happened and that's why he didn't call like he said he would... again. I'll just wait to see what he says."

I've read "He Just Not that Into You" and I know the signs. He only wants to hang out when he's drunk, he doesn't call like he says he will and that vibe that you wish so much was there, just isn't.

And yet, I hold out for that next text message, the beautiful ray of hope that a phone call brings, and those hopes fall on flat ears when day after day, there is no phone call. And that's when the chick flicks get taken out of their cases and the "veganism" goes out the window because soy ice cream just doesn't do the job like double chocolate caramel delight can.

Despite all the trouble and, dare I say it, dispair, that comes along with a flaky crush, all is forgiven when the phone rings and his voice is on the other line.

This isn't about one person in particular... well ok maybe it is, but really it's everyone I have ever been interested in. I second guess myself at first, convince myself that it's worth being vulnerable for and then get rammed by the rejection truck.

And I'm sitting here, looking at a "no new messages" display on my phone and trying so hard to call it a day and move on to other pursuits. But that damn, ever present, optimist in me says "just give it some time. You never know what might happen." And that's the thing, I think I'm addicted to the unknown, to the mysterious and romantic idea of his atonement and heart felt apology to which I will melt into with week knees and an open heart.

All of this, of course, is sure to never happen and I'll go to bed for the next week, checking my phone in vain and kicking myself for my delusional ideas of love.

Metaphors

Why is it that when someone else is doing all the match making work it's easy to think everything will work out and rejection gets pushed out of mind because "you're in good hands." It's like taking a taxi ride in Paris where the drivers are supremely out of their minds. They weave in and out, cut people off and speed like maniacs. But you push the thoughts of danger and fear out of your mind because this is a paid employee driving you about, a "professional!"But, really, being a taxi driver in no way qualifies someone to drive this way and certainly does not decrease the risks involved with such behavior. The fact of the matter is, you can still easily crash and burn.

Long story short, she looked up from her phone and said, rather gravely, "it's not you, it's him."

Hello heart! Meet Mr Dagger, he's here to impale you and inject you with self-loathing. Enjoy!

When shoved in the ring with rejection I was knocked out in the first round, despite all my best one-legged, karate kid moves.

All this irrationality is a case-in-point. I should not be dating, or even thinking about dating right now.

Redemption

written at 12:30 am January 6th, 2008

I'm not sure why I titled this "redemption." I usually wait until after I'm finished to figure out a title but that word just unveiled its self to me so I guess I shouldn't ignore it.

Redemption

I'm sitting in the dark right now, reminiscing on the past week and all the sunshine and butterflies it held and I"m asking myself why they had the leave in this one fleeting moment of solitude.

I was deliriously, gleefully happy. Seriously! After a rather emotional time in my life where a good majority of my time was either spent being sad or hiding the fact that I was sad, I had a moment of shear collapse where I pulled the covers over my head and silently yelled "I need you, I don't know what to do. Please help me."

Now this is a rather abridged version of my journey into and out of despair but, despite my inexplicable need to pour my heart out to a computer screen and digital world, somethings are best kept between me and... well me.

The following days were spent in as much isolation as I could find (or get away with) and plenty of soul searching. I only revealed myself to one person and her understanding and admissions to her own depression and sadness are what I attribute to the beginnings of my recovery. She was the beginning of my redemption. And I really didn't want to spill my guts to ANYONE, not even someone as close to me as she is (and I haven't dropped her name because there's no sense in dragging her into my addiction to unnecessary internet honesty) but no wall can stay up forever and mine were about to crumble, well at least a portion. (I have yet to have a Good Will Hunting moment where I collapse into someone's arms while they say "it's not your fault, it's not your fault.") But I feel like that moment may be somewhere nearby, lurking in a dark alleyway waiting for some inopportune time to jump out and mug me of all my emotional standoffishness. But talking to this dear friend and being able to relate to her same experiences made me realize I wasn't totally alone and for second, a single fleeting second, I almost saw that glimmer some people call hope.

I stopped taking my medication, decided to leave school, became a vegan, toasted to the new year and was legitimately happy. I shouldn't say "was." I AM happy. Maybe not euphorically so, but I am happy... It's been a busy week.

But now I'm back here again. No I'm not in complete despair but I'm not like I was just 24 hours earlier when I couldn't stop smiling. I twas even different just 5 hours earlier when I was planning road trips and future endeavors, joining a new church and envisioning myself in a new community who want to experience God and life in a real and poetic way.

Maybe I got ahead of myself. Maybe I bit off more than I could chew... too much to fast you know? Am I really this fragile? Do I really have to abstain from weaving too much fabrics into my life because of the risk of an accidental overdose (now that's a dual metaphor for ya). At any rate, anxiety has taken up residence in my chest again and it really feels like he never elft. But htis time I honestly have no idea why he's come back. I mean sure I've gotten involved in some new things but they all legitimately make me happy.

Maybe I'm afraid of all the new people in my life? I seriously think I'm on of those people who can't be overly social without needing a lot of down time in return. Sometimes I foret this and max out socially and then slip into this state that leaves me stunted and unable to leave the comforts of my bedroom.

The anxiety is still here, but at least this time there's the fresh memory of what it's like to be stable and happy and with that fresh memory comes hope. And to keep depression from rearing his ugly head, I have armed myself with the essentials: a journal, good music, pretty candles and good friends in the form of beautiful words (Blue Like Jazz, Eat Pray Love and the Bible)

I think I've come up with another source of this anxiety. For some dumb reason I've got it in my head that i should start dating! I mean, I know I've come into a better place but why on Earth would I think it was a good idea to even attempt to THINK about dating?

You know when you have the flue for a long time and when you finally stop puking your brains out you really want to get out of the house and end up engaging in some activity that's far to involved for your fragile health. You're weak and and shaky and need help just climbing a set of stairs. You wear yourself out and end up feeling miserable just because you got ahead of yourself fin your recovery.

This is how I feel.
And this is my recovery.

I can't jump into too many things at once and I should stay away from activities that will set me back, like dating for instance, I need to be gentle with myself and realize that I AM fragile right now and that's ok. It's ok and quite necessary to say no once in a while. It's ok to plan and scheme but don't get ahead of yourself again. Enjoy each day you're int he midst of. It's ok to be wild and crazy but you need to balance yourself out with plenty of self reflections, prayer and mellow honest conversation.

Speaking of honestly...

That's what we talked about at church tonight. Amazing how God finds ways to speak directly to you and says exactly what you NEED to hear whether you WANT to or not. They encouraged us to have honest relationships with other people which is SUCH a hard thing for me. It's not that I lie, it's just that I keep so many things in. But it's something that I know I desperately need to have, my life depends on it, but that much vulnerability is absolutely terrifying to me. Most people would say it's because they've been completely honest with people and it's come back to them in a painful way. People us this honesty to hurt each other. And I really wish I could say that that is the reason I have so many issues with honesty. I wish I could say I tried to be honest so many times and people just stabbed me in the back with it. But I've never even given them the chance. I know what the human species is capable of. I know that with vulnerability also comes very good chances of betrayal and pain. So I've never given anyone the chance to betray me. But in doing that, I've really betrayed myself. I've kept all this toxic waste inside me and it's caused more damamge than protection. The things I keep inside, the secrets, are like poison and they're eating me up from the inside out.

Goals
*No dating
*More honesty
*No dairy

Validation

I received one of the best compliments anyone can receive last night...
My friend Jordan looked at me and said "you look happy," almost is a slight sense of disbelief.

I am happy.

It's sort of ironic that I have entered a spring of my existence in the dead of winter.

When God Sings

I had a realization today in my car. As I was driving to church it just hit me...

The best way God communicates with me is through music.

I feel a little silly just now realizing this, I mean it makes sense. I love music, it's what I turn to when I have no where else to turn, it's my best friend and my inspiration, which all happen to be God like characteristics. (I would like to state however that I in no way believe the musically stylings of Britney Spears or Telia Tequila in anyway reflect God, Jesus, and/or the Holy Spirit.)

When I'm suffocating and I've totally lost my direction, I always have a moment. I could be in the car, in the shower, or in my room with a blanket over my head listening to a song and a lyric will just strike me. I could have listened to this particular song a million times before but in this moment, this line is what matters most, and I think that's totally God. When it comes to spiritual matters, I'm not the best listener. I tend make very simple things complicated. But music... Music is simple. Music is bold and tends to hit me over the head when I have my hands over my ears screaming like a child because I'm afraid of hearing something I won't like.

So let me tell you about the song God sang to me this morning...

I was listening to Matt Nathanson's new album Some Mad Hope. At face value, I honestly wasn't too excited about the CD, but I had a gift card and I wanted to get out of Best Buy as soon as possible. I've listened to the album about 5 times now and each time it gets better and better, like wine. As I was driving to church this morning I was sort of half listening to the song playing and half cursing the train passing by for making me late.

And then I heard him repeat a line that stuck out... "come on let's make this dream that's half awake come true."

When I heard that line, I hit back so I could listen to the song from the start. The song appealed to me because for what ever reason, songs about packing up and leaving everything you know and starting over in a new world strikes me as an incredibly romantic notion. It's something I've always wanted to do. But really that's not what the song is wholely about, at least not to me at that moment. That's the magical thing about music. The writer may have wrote the song about one thing but to the hundreds of people that listen to it, there are a hundred different meanings, and I think that's beautiful.

Anyway... back to God's song.

It was mostly just that one line that hit me "come on let's make this dream that's half awake come true." I felt like it was God speaking directly to me. He was saying, "Come on Sarah, I know you don't know where your life is going right now and it feels like you're losing control, but I have plans for you, beautiful plans, magical plans. And I know that it's just a dream to you right now, but together we can make it come true. So trust me, you're on the right track, and I'm here with you the whole way. You're going to be ok."

But God likes to be concise, and I believe He is something of a poet, so He just sang, "come on let's make this dream that's half awake come true."

I've been tearing myself apart lately about what I should do with my life. Should I stay in school, should I change my major, should I shave my head (yeah, I'm borderline Britney crazy at this point). Honestly leaving school is what felt the most right, but I couldn't be sure if this was me making my own plans again or if it was what God wanted for me. But in that moment, in that one beautiful line of music, I feel like God sang to me what I needed to hear.

So, I am here to say officially that I will be leaving CU Denver. I won't be going back in the spring and it's terrifying to write that. I'm going to miss seeing so many people and I'm absolutely terrified of getting out of touch with people I love so much.

CU Denver will always be a place I look back on with a smile. I learned so much about myself and about other people there, but I'll save my goodbyes for a different day. For now I just want to say that this is something I must do for myself, to find myself again and to find love again. I've lost myself these past couple of months and I need to rediscover why I was put on this earth, because I'm confident that it was for a reason. I am on a quest to find that reason again.
It's incredibly liberating to look yourself and others in the eye and be able to say "I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me and I'm ok with that. I have great aspirations, I just don't know what they are yet."

So here's to 2008 and undiscovered great aspirations!

Gorsical

I saw Sweeny Todd tonight. It was pretty disgusting. I knew what it was about going into it, and knowing Tim Burton's screwed up mind, I set myself up for two hours of gore. It was a "gorsical" if you will. There was plenty of good music and Johnny Depp has a surprisingly good voice, or at least the studio he recorded in made him sound good, either way I liked it. His hair reminded me of Meryl Streep in 101 Dalmatians though. Jamie Campbell Bower was a lovely addition to the cast. As far as I can tell this is his first movie, and more than anything he was lovely to look at, which is usually Johnny's job, but I couldn't shake the Meryl image from my head. I found a picture of Jamie on IMDB that looks like Hilary Duff however. What's with all these good lookin' actors lookin' like chicks man?So, in the end, despite the gore and some sound stuff that annoyed me, the movie was pretty darn good. Good music, good cinematography, good acting. I guess I can't complain too much. I just wish I wasn't so nauseas now.

Blue Like Jazz

I've been reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and it's really effected me. I don't usually like reading religious books. They alway strike me as too "preachy" and out of touch. But I can hardly put this one down and I see myself in every word hes written. But I couldn't exactly put my finger on why I like the book so much. As I was just reading it, the reason struck me. I like it because it's true.

This book is honest in a way that seems to be taboo in the church community. And I'm not talking about the "honest" testimonial you hear every once in a while on Sunday morning where someone gets up and speaks about that one time they drank too much but then saw the error of their ways and started to go to church again. That's not to say that person's experiences aren't valid, but this book's truths are just different. Sure he talks about drugs and alcohol, but it's what the book is about. The book is about the author's struggles with Christianity. He wrestles with the validity of the Christian religion, his issues with the institution of church and he himself getting sucked into conforming to what he thinks a Christian should look like.

I know it sounds like this book is 242 pages of church bashing and God hating, but it's not. It's about boiling down Christian Spirituality to what it was meant to be. Love. Every lesson he learns in his life, every things he struggles with and every realization he has always come back to loving others. As simple as that sounds, I think Christians these days get wrapped up in all the people and things we have to fight against and go to battle with. But that's not a Godly idea. Jesus never fought with anyone. He only loved.

I'm not even done with the book yet, but it's amazing how revealing it is about myself. I can relate to so many sentiments he brings up and all the fears and doubts he has. Yet through it all, he continues to love God and tries to love other people, as much as any human being is capable of.

It's a really encouraging and inspirational book. It's strange that ever since I've been reading it not only have I had some major revelations about my spiritual life (simply writing about my religion and not censoring myself is something major for me) but also my everyday life. Not that the book has given me any advice about whether or not to stay in school but I'm experiencing a sense of calm and acceptance. Not acceptance that my life is as it should be right now, but acceptance that my life is on the right path and things will turn out the way they were meant to. Realizing that you aren't in this alone and that you have someone watching out for you and guiding you may be extremely limiting to some, but for me it's incredibly liberating. It means I can stop lying awake at night wondering what I am doing with my life. Instead I can open my eyes during the day and see what God is doing in my life. It's the most comforting feeling in the world.

ps- yes, i did hint at me dropping out of school... more on that later ;)

Umbrellas

Dear You,
You can't do this alone, and you shouldn't.
You know you're falling further and further away from the person you were and want to be.
If you stand here by yourself the storm will only get worse. There's no shame in asking someone for an umbrella, or even to hold that umbrella for you.
God is always there, even when you think he's not. He is always by your side, holding your umbrella until the sun comes out again. And if you need more than one umbrella, there's a good handful of people in your life who can help keep the rain from falling on your head.
So stop pretending you're so strong. Everyone is vulnerable and that's ok. This isn't some Lifetime movie. This is your life. Take it seriously and live it the way it was meant to be lived.
You were meant to smile, not cry yourself to sleep. You were meant to laugh, not question the validity of yourself. You were meant to touch other people's lives, why is it so hard to convince yourself of that? You were meant to be bold in dark places. This is your chance to be bold.
Remember...
Let other people in. Pushing them away will only make it rain harder.
Strangers give excellent perspectives.
You're family isn't perfect, but that's the perfect thing about them. You don't choose your family, God does, so you know they're in your life for a reason. Hold on to that when you're feeling the worst.
You are loved. Even in the darkest corners of your life. You are loved. And you are meant to love in return.
Love,
Me

Peter Pan Syndrom

The second week of my internship has officially commensed and it's just as awkward as the first day I went in.
I was hoping things would get easier, more comfortable. But that comfort level remains to be seen. I keep making jokes and no one seems to laugh.

I have to wonder what exactly it is that makes me so awkward? If you're a friend of mine, you probably wouldn't peg me as the "painfully shy" type, but if you've ever met me my first week on the job, you know what I'm talking about.

I clam up, my hands get sweaty, breathing becomes a difficult task, and my voice resembles that of a nervous 5 year old. I don't tend to give the best first impressions.

You should see the looks I get from the people I work with at the record label. They are looks of udder confusion. I can see the thoughts on the other side of their eyes. "Why is her voice so squeaky?" "Did she REALLY just say that?" "Is she going to say anything or am I going to have to save this conversation yet again?"

It's painful, it really is.

I want to get past this phase in my life where I'm so unconfident and unsure of myself. I go into situations with the best of intentions and the utmost expectations, and I come out with the same results, sitting in my room bewildered by the word vomit that spilled out of my mouth throughout the day.

I know that the early 20s is a time of self discovery and enlightnement about who I truley am, and I'm sure I will look back on this time and giggle at the silly things I did with my life and the miniscule things I worried about (like the vacant looks my bosses give me) but that doesn't change the tightening in my chest and sick feeling in stomach I feel every time one of my "jokes" fall flat at the office, and when I relive it over and over and over again afterwards.

So out of fear, I remain at my desk when everyone else goes out to lunch. At least when we are in the office, I can retreat to the comforts of my desk and the endless "grunt work" I have before me each day. But the sheer thought of sitting at a table, attempting (and inevitably failing) at small talk with these three guys, who surely think I am some anti social freak at this point, with no where to run when that familiar blank stare crawls across their faces, absolutely terrifies me. And because of this fear I am missing out on important conversations and relationships I can use throughout the rest of my life and career. There's so much I could learn from them if I simply sat down to lunch and picked their brains. But instead, that time of day where they leave to enjoy civilized, unawkward meals is the biggest sigh of relief for me. I am left alone in the office to just be myself. Now why I can't I be myself when they come back?

My oh so helpful sister offered up the explination that I may be able to speak in tounges and don't realize it, which is the cause of the blank stares I receive whenever I open my mouth.
Not likely, but possible I suppose. And at least it made me laugh.

I personally think it's because I try so hard to be the person I think I am or think I should be and in the middle of all the trying, I become someone I never wanted to be.
It's hard realizing you have a lot of growing up to do. Most people are blissfuly ignorant to this fact. It's only visible to everyone else they come in contact with. Even that would be a better alternative to the agonizing realization that you are, in fact, a wreck when it comes to important social encounters.

And what's more difficult is realizing that you have no idea how to fix or change it.
How does one make themselves grow up?
I'd be fine with never growing up, as long as no one else grew up either
Maybe Peter Pan was on to something...