Ef You Subconscious

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The following is a conversation I had with my subconscious.

Me- You have got give me a break here. I have issues, I get it. And I promise, when I get a minute I'll work on those during waking hours. But when I sleep I'd really like to escape those dark, twisty and dysfunctional problems.

Subconscious (speaks in elitist, sarcastic british accent)- Sarah dear, I assure you I have no idea what you're talking about.

Me- Having me dream five nights in a row about a boy I'm trying desperately not to obsess over was obnoxious.

Subconscious- Well I'm sorry. I was under the impression you liked this boy, that you spent your waking hours day dreaming about what it would be like if he were to fall in love with you. Was I mistaken?

Me- Well, no. But I'm busy, ok? I don't have time for crushes. Especially if the crush is going to be on a boy who never says what he means and generally doesn't look twice at me. Having me dream about us being in a cuddly, happy relationship with a hilarious pug that giggles is just cruel.

Subconscious- Oh yes, I remember that pug bit. I thought that was quite creative. I assumed you would enjoy it.

Me- I didn't, ok?

Subconscious- Fine, Sarah, but when you pleaded to stop dreaming about him, didn't I accommodate you?

Me- Well yeah, but instead of a nice flying dream or something about Mr. Darcy, like you used to do, you pulled out the one thing that you knew would really hurt me.

Subconscious- As far as hurting you, Sarah, I really have NO idea what you're talking about. I simply changed subject matter, as per your request. You never specified who you would have preferred.

Me- Mr. Long Distance, subconscious. You know, the guy that I'm not allowed to talk about anymore? The guy that I absolutely do not think of. Did you decide to rub his oh-so-handsome face into the deep synapses of my brain to be a pain in my ass?

Subconscious- Now Sarah, no reason to become uncivil. What exactly did you dream that made you upset?

Me- Let's start with Tuesday night. When I was at church and the entire lobby was filled with every single one of his friends.

Subconscious- You have to admit, you were rather happy to see his brother walk in, weren't you?

Me- I was, until I saw LD standing right behind him, absolutely refusing to look at me. My favorite part was when his brother turned to him and asked if he'd say hello. He looked to the ceiling, turned his head, and said no. That was followed by me coloring with some little kid in the church nursery. I'm sure Freud would have a field day with that one.

Subconscious- And do you think Freud would say about that?

Me- ... that he made me feel childish and unworthy of his attention.

Subconscious- Hm. Very interesting.

Me- Don't try to analyze me. You are me so... just stop.

Subconscious- Are we done yet? I feel as if your getting a bit irrational.

Me- Oh no. I'm just getting started. You could've stopped there. But you didn't. Thursday night you made me sit down with his current girlfriend and have a lovely, and lengthy little chat. I can't remember exactly what was said, but that didn't matter to you did it?

Subconscious- No, it absolutely did not. I wanted you to remember how it felt. So please tell me, how did it feel?

Me- I remember liking her. Genuinely liking her. I don't want to like this girl. I want to hate her with every fiber of my being and assume that she is a smarmy, over bearing, crazy woman who has him in her clutches unwillingly. But now that this is the only impression I have of her, it's been impossible to shake. Thanks for that.

Subconscious- You're welcome darling. Are we finished?

Me- You know there's more. I remember wanting so badly to come off as awesome. My interior dialogue was loud and rambling. "Stay cool, Sarah. She needs to know you're mature and above her. She's asking for advice. Be a sage. She'll be intimidated. Show off your extensive knowledge of the world and how it works.... oh crap. No, that was bad. Why are you saying that? Shut up. Just shut up. I think she's pitying you now. Oh no. Yep, you're an idiot. Congratulations. She won." What was the POINT of that? Couldn't you have let me operating under the wonderful assumption that I am far prettier, funnier, and awesomer?

Subconscious- No, I'm afraid I couldn't, mostly because "awesomer" is not a real word. And if you can't understand why I won't let you go around blindly convincing yourself of something that may not be true, you certainly need a few more REM sessions with her. Wouldn't that be fun? Alright, well if that's all I should be going, I have a few ideas to develop for you tonight.

Me- That was a snippet of the transgressions I'm holding against you, subconscious. Every night I have dreams like that. I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to be taking away from this, because I assure you I've moved on from him.

Subconscious- Yes, dear. I've heard you tell yourself, ourselves, that many times over. So please, tell me what you think I was trying to tell you then.

Me- That because of all the stuff he has going on in his life, he wouldn't be troubling himself if she wasn't worth it? Sure, ok.

Subconscious- And what do you thin that says about you?

Me- That obviously I wasn't worth it. Well... yeah fine.

Subconscious- There's more here, Sarah, and you know it.

Me- That my biggest fear is running into him and that I'll probably throw up on his shoes and crumple into the fetal position if I ever did. And that if he ever called and said he'd like to give it another try I'd say "yes of course!" and never ask for an apology or explination and would finally feel happy.

Oh...

Subconscious- Yes, I dare say are you completely over him. *rolls eyes*

Subconscious- 1

Sarah- 0