I'm Figuring Out The Rest

Well, a lot has gone since I've last updated. And the them of my life right now is learning.

I'm learning what it's like to be a real live grown up with a real grown up's job. I've been at said job for 5 months now and am seeing why everyone gets burnt out so quickly with office jobs. It definitley keeps me on my toes and I'm learning how to be responsible and manage time better... and how to separate work from social life. It's like Jackie says, "it's work. You go, you do your thing, and you leave." I'm trying to remember that a not bring the stress home with me.

I'm still living in Denver and I really do love it. I love my little studio on Ogden street. I however do not like the lack of dishwasher and air conditioning. I'll make sure to remember this when I'm searching for my next apartment. I don't plan on living in the same building when my lease is up. I thinkt hat's the beauty of apartments. You have a year to have fun and experience a certain are with a free and clear excuse to make a big change when your name is no longer attached to it. This makes throwing away money on rent almost tolerable.

The next update is not meant to be shoved in the middle of housing statuses (stati?) and future plans because it really means much more than that. Sarah Van Wyke, the eternal quirkeyalone is infact dating someone... nay, not "dating," I have a full blown boyfriend. And it's fun and lovely and great. I'm learning how to not be so selfish with my time and realize that focusing on myself is important, but perhaps not THE most important thing. I still obviously love to catch with the inner Sarah. Read, write, SSSB (if you don't know what this is, I'm not telling), it's all great, but I'm learning to incorporate this new element to my life and that takes adjustment. I haven't gotten the dance down yet but I'm certainly learning the steps. Nick is a great guy and certainly patient and understanding of my "quirks," shall we say. He's certainly worth putting myself aside for a while and opening up to the idea other peopl exist. Ok, that was an over exageration, but really... I'm learning.

New plan! Or shall I say "idea." I've decided to go back to school. It's important and the right thing to do. I by no means regret taking the semseter off. I think it was the best thing I could've done honestly. I learned a lot about myself, came out of a really bad state and came into my own. And now that I'm a little more clear on who this person is residing in my skin, I'm ready to head back to school and take a crack at this "higher education" thang. I'll be going to CCD (please don't judge me). I'm just going to work on my general education requirements at a place that charges $70 a credit. It's a situation that makes sense. After I finish those up, the IDEA, is to head off to Portland and try my hand at English at Portland State University. I'll be majoring in English, minoring in writing, and scribing my butt off. I have some family that lives out there that makes the whole process slightly less nerve racking, but I love nerve racking ideas. They get me through the day. I'm just ready for a change. As much as I love Denver, I think it becomes a bubble that a lot of people need to break away from, at least for a little while, if not forever. The music scene (which translates into social scene) is incredibly small, intertwined, and taking its toll on me. I'm not even 21 yet but I have to as myself in the middle of the parties and the hangovers... There must be something more than this. And for me that "something" is books and writing. I think I'll be able to make this work.

I KNOW I'll be able to make this work.

I have to :)

New Goals:

Read More

Write More

Stand up and stand by who I know I am

Figure out the rest

So This is Growing Up

I feel like I’ve been “grown up” for a while now. I’m really not all that dependent on my parents, financially speaking, I live on my own, I travel alone, work full time… I can say with a sense of certainty that I’m no longer a child, for better or for worse. But there’s something they never tell you will happen when you start to really grow up. You start to see the world for what it is. You start to feel the pain shown on the news because things tend to strike close to home a lot more often. People die, people let you down time and time again, and parents betray you.

In the middle of my own struggle with pain, I am also watching the people closest to me struggle as well. I’m trying to cling on to that optimism, that spirit of youth that says anything is possible and a people are inherently good, that my life will be good. But life isn’t always going to be good, and I’ve definitely been learning that the past few weeks.

This is what I’ve been learning:

People are always going to let you down, they will betray you and they will mess up. By opening yourself up to other people, you are opening your heart up to pain and rejection. We are selfish and we are flawed and our hearts are far too simple to stand the disappointment. Being let down by other people is part of being human. But more than anything, I also believe the other part of being human is forgiveness and grace. Without these two things, our lives wouldn’t be worth living. We would live in an angry world with even more wars and terror than we already have. People can surprise you with second chances, but you’ll never know if you don’t let them in again. It’s worth the risk, trust me.

Parents are not perfect. This goes a lot with what I was saying before about people letting you down. We think at this age we have finally come to a place where we can relate to our parents on a person to person level, rather than parent-child. This not only opens us up to see their humanity but also leaves us surprised when they do something we thought only can happen when we are young. This has its advantages and disadvantages.

We have emotions for a reason. When something comes into our lives and rattles our perfect routines of smiles and sunshine, it can be confusing and difficult to understand. Our little hearts are not meant to be hurt this way, to feel betrayed or abandoned or left to go one when someone we love has vanished forever. So our emotions get jumbled up and confused and we laugh when we want to cry and become numb when all we want to do is scream. Ride it out, don’t fight it. Laugh if you feel laughing, scream if you need to scream, and for God’s sake, cry like there’s no tomorrow. Emotions remind us we are still human, that we are still here, breathing and living. Embrace them. Holding them in, convincing yourself you’re not angry or sad or depressed when you really are is toxic. It will kill you and every relationship you have.

Death is not a “natural part of life.” That statement is a paradox and fallacy. Death is not part of life. Once again, it’s something our hearts just do not understand. They don’t understand how someone can be here one day and gone the next for no apparent reason, with no explanation. A very good friend of mine once said “The reason death never seems to make sense or settle in our hearts is that we were never made to understand death. When we were created, we were created as eternal beings.” I don’t think there’s anything to say after that.

That same friend told me that she believes that sometimes shit just happens and there’s no reason for it. As much as I love this friend and respect her opinion, I disagree. I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything is connected and leads to another, like the domino effect. Everything leads to good. Everything will be good in the end, if it’s not good, it’s not the end, right? So in the middle of all the much and turmoil and pain I have to know that it’s all leading to something. I mean it’s already taught me about grace and the way to handle tragedy, and I’m convinced even better things will come as well. It may be 2 weeks from now or 20 years, but I know I will look back at this time, and all the trying times in life and see where they have lead me and what happened in my life as a result. I have to believe that, otherwise, what’s the point?

So this is growing up. Our parents don't hide the bad stuff, and sometimes they end up being the bad stuff. People leave, people die, people hurt us. Growing up is about learning to deal with it, about holding on to the good, about never forgetting what it was like to run barefoot through the grass your dad just cut on the last day of 2nd grade. Nothing to fear, nothing to worry about.

The Little Things We Don't See Coming

A friend of mine died yesterday. Her name was Jeanene and she was beautiful

It's weird and it's wrong and its unfair and it hasn't hit me yet. We worked together at Tranquility and she was always one of the girls I kept in my corner. She was always on my side and had supportive words for me when working in a salon proved to be too much. I can't believe she's gone.

This is the only picture I have of her. I like it because you can see the scar from her breathing tube. Jeanene was strong. She beat cancer and other medical hardships. When I heard she had passed away I immediately thought it had something to do with her medical history. But it was a freak vespa accident. She lost control and ran into a building. She had traumatic brain injuries and didn't survive the transport.

We all think it's going to be the big things that will get us. Old age, Cancer, Disease. But it's the little things we don't see coming. We don't anticipate them and they take us from behind and by surprise. When we are relaxed, not on alert, something comes and knocks us on the chin, because we're not in fighting mode.

It's cliche but life is short, Jeanene proves that. And cliches become cliche for a reason. So i'll say it again, life is short. Jeanene's life was beautiful though. She loved the sun and the stars and spring and snow. She loved her two children and her husband and styling hair. She was an artist and there will always be a void at the station where she painted her master pieces on client after client.

I don't know how to end this. I don't have any summary phrase or "all in alls." All I have is the disbelief that someone I knew and loved is gone. Her name is Jeanene and she is beautiful.

5 Years, 4 Years Late

The party was a great success! A ton of people came, Genny, Jackie and I looked fabulous and I seriously danced my little heart out. DJ Squirt was amazing. He played the best remix of Don't Stop Beleiving. That was probably the high light of the night.

Genny met a boy, Josh. Jackie tried to "pass him off on me" but after about a minute of talking to him I knew he wasn't feelin it. I also could tell that Genny WAS feelin it, so I went back to the dance floor and did what I do best, look like a complete idiot.

Kasey tried to set me up with a diver from Casa Bonita. Ha. I'm quite sure he thinks I'm out of my mind, which I'm ok with. I was slightly out of control, in a good way. I just wanted to dance and he tried to keep up, I have to give it to him. We exchanged number but I have no expectation of a call. But I'm happily single. I dance with so many people that night, which is not something you can do when you stuck in a crumby relationship. Mat and I dance up a storm as did Nathan and I, Nick and I, Wilson and I, Jordan and I, and anyone else able and willing.

I didn't see Genny and Jackie much at all that night. I was on the dance floor, Genny was holding down the fort on the porch and Jackie... well she was throwing up in a wicker trashcan in her bed room. Poor thing. Thank goodness for Frodo who held her hair and rubbed her back all night. Awwww.

In the morning we took the Jackson boys and Aaron out for pancakes. Mat and Aaron finished off 6 PBRs at 11 am. Pretty much amazing. When we left the restaurant, Mat proclaimed "I definitely left that place drunker than I went in." Classic. We then returned to a house smelling like beer and puke with a thick layer of orange juice coating the kitchen floor. Nathan helped out a lot which was nice because it was disgusting in there. The carpet is blue and sticky, someone drew a penis on the calender and a little man on the cabinet. Someone also wrote "HELP" all over various windows and glass cabinets, as well as the TV screen. How someone did this without us noticing is quite impressive.

All in all it was quite the night and I had so much fun. However, I've been thinking, Gia met a nice boy named Gary, Genny met a nice boy named Josh, Jackie (while smelling lik vomit) got a little cuddle action from a nice boy named Frodo. I can't help but feel slightly jealous, but I'll cling tight to my quirkyalone sentiments and remember what a hassel a relationship can be. But of course, it would be lovely to meet a nice boy as well or at least have one to hold my hair should I ever need it.

Catch Up on the Random

It's sort of been a while since I've caught you all up on my life... because it's so dang interesting, I know.

My church is trying to buy a new building and raise $500,000 in a month and I think it's amazing, especially if we pull it off. It will probably be one of the most satisfying things I've been a part of to date. Scum means a lot to me.

From church to drinking shinanegans! Great segway. Memeorial weekend was probably the most random/amazing one of my life. Friday night we went to a lovely little wholesome barbeque at our friend Josiah's house. We played guitar hero and he bought me vegan burgers. I was a happy girl. I made new friends that go by Thomas and Collin. They are indescribable, you really just need to hang out with them to get it. I will say this, Collin totally looks like Ryan Gosling after he goes a little nutso in The Notebook (plus some pericings). After the barbeque we headed back to Thomas and Collin's apartment (The Love Den as they like to call it) and decided to go crash and yougin's party and drink all their beer.

Here are the directions I was given: "Take Broadway until it turns into Brighton. You'll know by all the warehouses and factories that start showing up. Park between the old white warehouse and the La Lapatina. Go in the side door of the white warehouse, there should be a band playing." So we took our lives in our hands, gathered up our gumption and headed out to our inevitable murder. Seriously, this part of Denver is no Cherry Creek. We park near the La Laptina, see a rather scary biker dude walking down the alley and decide to sit in the car for a minute. We finally emerge from our saftey net on 4 wheels and approach the white warehouse, with visions of meat hooks, flickering light bulbs and Saw 4 running through our minds. To our surprise, as I opened the door, what met us instead was a lovely updated trendy loft, complete with granit counter tops, and screen printer and a funk band!

The moment of releif quickly faded as I realized the lead singer of the funk band was an old boyfriend from 2 1/2 years ago. Random! I'm generally ok with ex boyfriends but this one doesn't seem to like me much... something about breaking up with him over a text message. Whatever. He didn't notice me for a good half hour and then we made eye contact while he was singing. I know he knew it was me because he introduced the next song by staring at me and saying "This one goes out to all the crazy bitches out there. I know you're here!" Fantastic.

The night went on quite pleasently as Jackie drank way too much Kentuck Delux Whiskey and soon turned into Happy Jack. We kept asking ourselves "where the heck are we?" and made fun of the drunk 16 year olds. All in all and good time!

Saturday night brought equally good times as well. We started in Thorton at a good friend's going away/graduation party. Cory's the greatest. I'm so glad I went to that Kelly Clarkson concert with him, because if I hadn't, I would've never gotten to know what an amazing friend he is. So he's movin to Ohio to start his record lable. Which SUCKS for all of us who will miss him, but incredibly exciting for him! After the party, we headed to the Blast-o-Mat. An amazing little punk rock, diy music venue on 7th and Federal. Once again, a place you have to have some gumption to visit. The venue is pretty great though, they take donations, no cover charge and the bands are totally eager and just have fun when they play. I loved it. Oh yeah, and their was free beer. Yes! We headed off to the Jackson House after that for some good chill time with Frodo and Matt. A more low key night, but still a lot of fun.

This past weekend was pretty crazy as well. Friday, SP and I tried to get into Sex and the City. Yeah no go. Denver was taken over by very fancy ladies who all bought their tickets ahead of time. And it was kind of refreshing to see everyone dressed up like that.

Saturday we headed out to Federal and Arapahoe. We've been going to some very dangerous places lately. This place was full of red neck chads and girls who liked to call each other "bitch" a lot. Not exactly our scene. I met MB's new girl for the first time. Good times! Between the chads and that whole mess we all decided to head to a different party. However, MB decided to tag along, fantastic. Aaron got in a fight, Kasey hit a car and Frodo smoothed it all over. After that thoughe veryone seemed to get a long really well. MB decided to hang in my area basically all night which was weird and I was drinking too much to know better. Let's just say his girlfriend wasn't too pleased. I read her Peter Pan later on that night in a British accent however and declared that we had bonded. I think we're good now. Oi Vay. The picture I've posted is quite possibly my favorite picture of all time. It's very symbolic as well. Here I am with a rather innocent pose, as if to say "what? What's going on? I didn't do anything!" And Brian, appropriately in the middle making a kissing face while his new girlfriend can be seen in the distance giving us both the stink eye. Amazing.

This weekend is the big anniversary shin dig for Genny and I. Shoudl be interesting... More on that later.

Have I mentioned I absolutely love my life?

Scum

This is difficult for me to write for a couple of reasons. First, I know it may rub some people the wrong way. Religion tends to do that. And after reading that word “religion” I’m sure many of you have already clicked to another page. But I’ll keep writing, for my own amusement and for the hope that someone will keep reading and find something in these words, which may take a miracle, but I believe in those. It’s also hard to write because I want it to be good. I want everything I write to be good and too often I spit out something in about 10 minutes and call it a “writing piece.” But this, more than anything, I want to mean something.

I started going to a church that meets in Church in the City on Colfax and Josephine and few months ago. I had heard about Scum of the Earth before and I was in a place where I knew I needed God more than ever, so it seemed worth a try. To be honest, at that point I wasn’t too keen on church or religion in general. I had a lot of notions of rules, regulations and ignorance, so to be honest, I was scared. I was scared of hating this place that deep down I knew I needed. It was slow going at first. I didn’t dive right in, I was hesitant. But slowly I started to see why so many jaded people call this place home and decided to do the same.

Scum of the Earth is not your typical church, with a congregation of punk rockers, scene kids, homeless people and even a felon or two. But it is one of the most welcoming places I have experienced. And yes, it’s true, at Scum we believe in God and Jesus. And because we believe in God and Jesus, we also believe in love, hope, community and the healing those things can bring. Scum is not a place that turns people away, it is a place people turn to. And I think that’s beautiful.

That being said, my church, my home, has found a new place to plant its feet. It’s a beautiful building with everything we could have ever hoped for, except the price tag. In a month we need to raise $500,000. But like I said, I believe in miracles.

Having our own building would mean so much more than four walls and a roof. It would be more than floors and ceilings and doors. It would mean a pew where someone decides to love Jesus for the first time. It would mean a place for thousands of prayers to be said. It would mean a place where healing can begin for so many people who need what this church is offering. If this means anything to you at all, I ask that you help us. And yes I mean financially. Don’t stop reading! It doesn’t have to be a lot. It could be 5 dollars to 500 dollars. It’s whatever you can give, it’s whatever you feel is right. And if that’s nothing, then I respect that. But all I ask is you listen to what this place means to so many people and don’t shut us out.

I know that many of you reading this have been hurt substantially by the church, and in that sense, you are not unlike many of the people who attend Scum of the Earth. As a body, we have come together, jaded and angry, and decided we want to do better. We want to love instead of subjugate, we want to heal instead of cast others out, we want to do better. We are not perfect. We are not holier than thou. We are broken and confused and doing our best to love with what we have. We are the scum of the earth.

“To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world (1 Corinthians 4:11-13).”

If you would like to give financially, you can click here and make sure you donate to the “building fund.”

My Life is Good, My Life is Great

As I walked into work today I told myself “you are a motivated, professional young woman. Working here is not a right; it is a privilege that can be taken away. And then what will you be left with? Bills and an empty checking account. “But here I am blogging again, after my usual alternations between Facebook and Myspace. I am a terrible employee.

This weekend was interesting, full of reunions, cigarettes and cops. I ran into Mikey Brian on Friday night. I can’t say it went exactly how I had pictured it. I had hoped I would a bit more graceful and bit more… sober. But considering the circumstances I think it went ok, if you call hiding in the bathroom ok. Ha. We ran into each other the next day as well and things were considerably smoother. I was definitely given a lesson in being a bigger person and I think I did pretty well. And through everything, the weekend just solidified the fact that being single is so much better for me right now, and so much more enjoyable. I like coming home, cooking dinner, throwing on cutesy pajamas and painting my nails for no one but myself. I love super secret single behavior, like listening to the last song on John Mayer’s Continuum on repeat and full volume while I wash the dishes. Why? Why the hell not. It makes me happy and there’s no one to judge me for it! I absolutely love being on my own.

Genny and I are throwing ourselves a “5 Year Anniversary Party, 4 Years Late.” It’s just quirky enough to turn out amazing. We are registering at Argonauts’ Liquor and the Dollar Store. Haha. Another reason why I’d rather have friends than boyfriends, you can’t do this type of stuff with them. Everything is so serious and the risks are so much higher. With Genny and I, we can be stupid and loud and obnoxious and HILARIOUS and it’s all good. It’s easy and it’s 99.9% drama free. Who needs a boyfriend when you have that?

I think I’ve finally settled on going to California State University Long Beach in a year and half. It’s scary that I’ll be going to school again but when I look at my writing compared to other’s I can see how much I need to work on it and how much I am lacking. I feel like I need a mentor and guidance otherwise I’ll just stay stagnant. An English degree will get me lots of places and whatever I decide to do, I will at least have a degree, which no matter what I tell myself, it’s necessary. I don’t regret leaving school though. It was what I needed to do then, to get my head right again. To figure out what it is I wanted to do, because the music business just isn’t right for me. I think a combination of music and writing is right up my alley. I just need to figure out how to combine those in the best way possible. Maybe start a magazine, or webzine or blog or something. I could even start a ‘zine now. Make photocopies and just leave them out for people to read. How incredibly punk rock of me. Ha. So that’s the plan. Improve my writing and start saving for CSU Long Beach. I’m guessing it’ll take about 2-3 years to finish up. It’s not the time that scares me; it’s the student loans and the debt I’m going to get into. I think I’ll basically have to pay for it all by myself, something I have no idea how to do, but I really feel like this is right. I can use writing to really do something good and contribute. I never want to feel as vapid and shallow as I did when I was working towards a degree in music business. Everything felt so dirty and consumer driven. It’s not the life for me. I’d rather be broke for the rest of my life and feel like I’ve given back what I’ve taken from the world then be wealthy and die knowing I did nothing of importance. Success to me doesn’t mean a nice car and big house. It means a life full of experiences and love. I have lots of love right now, and I feel like that’s something I’ll never be left wanting, but I want to give as much as I receive and that’s something I still need to work on. I want to start volunteering and giving back to this city I love so much and with that, with the giving of love, comes experience.

My life is good, my life is great.

Jokes on You Gavin

I would like to retract the "PPS" on my last post.

Gavin Degraw newest record is absolute garbage and not worth the $13.98 it was on sale for. On the sale the day it was released! Oh sad.

Oh Gavin, why did you let Clive trample your artistic sense of pride like that? Be a man! Stand up for your art!

You can read a full review on Misikal.com next Wednesday so stay tuned!

Hoods, The Plague, and Gavin DeGraw

I'm sick.
Like very sick.
But not as sick as I thought I was.
But there's still time.

I think I have strep, but hey at least it's not throat cancer or the plague. Unfortunately, because I went to the doctor to confirm the absence of cancer and the plague in my body, I now cannot afford to go check for strep. According to Google it will go away by itself but I've probably infected everyone I've come in contact with. Sorry guys! If anyone has about 60 bucks they could spare, you'd really being doing the great Denver metro area a favor.

The thing I've been hating most about being sick are the things I miss out on! I've been holed up in my apartment, trying to not spread infectious diseases, while everyone is out celebrating Cinco de Mayo, doing shots of tequila, and sending me drunk text messages. I hate to stand on the sidelines when it's not my choice. We all know I'm a social person that needs lot of down time. But it's down time on my terms! Not some bacteria that has taken up residence in my throat! That is so gross to thing about by the way. Does that mean every time I swallow it goes into my stomach, because that can't be good. Am I just spreading the disease around my body? This could be worse than the plague.

And in the spirit of being sick and tired and lethargic, what is it about hoods that are so darn comforting? They're seriously right up there with chicken noodle soup and hugs from mom. When you're cold, or sad, or swallowing bacteria into your belly, there's nothing like a nice hood to make you feel better. When you're feeling especially crummy, you flip that hood over your head, pull your sleeves down over your thumbs, cross your arms, slouch in your chair and make a miserable face. Next to orange juice, this is the best remedy for a cold, trust me.

Well, I feel especially crummy and am without a hood, so I'm going to try to find comfort some other way (possibly some Resses Peices?)

PS- "Crazy For This Girl" by Evan and Jaron just came on my Pandora station. Everyone make a nostalgic sigh together...

PPS- Go buy a copy of Gavin DeGraw's new album that drops today! I haven’t listened to it yet, but I'm quite sure it has to be amazing. I mean come on, it's Gavin!

The Perks of Being a Band-Aid

Genny wrote me on Facebook yesterday saying the guys from The New Frontiers were going to stay with her Wednesday and Thursday night (tonight). She said she wanted Jack Jack and I to come over and hang. But 8pm rolled around with no phone call and I figured Casa Bonita was just too much fun and they wouldn't be making it back to her apartment at a reasonable hour. So I threw my hair in a pony tail, slipped into some PJs and got ready (happily) for an early night of inevitably falling asleep at 9. But hey, I'm a working girl and have to get up at 5am these days.

Of course, shortly after I started this "nightarising" routine, Genny calls and says her roommates are gone and doesn't want to be alone when the band gets there. Jackie luckily was already at my apartment picking up some edemome and strawberries. I threw on some jeans, took my hair out of a pony before a crease could settle in and we were on our way. I set an 11pm curfew for myself, which I quickly reconsidered and changed to 11:30. Once we got to Genny's house I did some inward negotiations and allowed myself to leave at midnight, convinced I would turn into a pumpkin anytime after that.

Long story short, the guys were hilarious, I got wrapped up in label gossip and "The String Theory," got home at 1:30 and got to sleep by 2. I dragged myself out of bed at 6:30 (and hour and a half late) and still made it to work by 7:30. Not too shabby.

Did you know the secret to the universe can be found at The Snake Pit on 13th and Welton? It's true. And next door has the best three meat and pineapple pizza in Denver, but should always be followed by a run to Wendys.

Tonight is the show and everyone should go! The Falcon Bowl on Broadway, near the Gothic. Tickets are 6 bones and the show gets started at 9pm. And if you're interested... www.purevolume.com/thenewfrontiers

Hottubbing should be interesting. More on that later...