A New Year, A New Love, A New Loss

Here we go with the next twist in our little story about the demise of Mr. Long Distance and I.  After my first post about it, I became a little conflicted about writing about all of this.  I imagine people stumbling across my plot of writing soil to see only negativity and whining, when perhaps they'd rather see lovely stationary and pictures of puppies licking kittens.  Now don't get me wrong, I love stationary and I have absolutely nothing against puppies, or kittens for that matter.  But I just figure there's enough of those blogs out there.  Inspiration blogs I guess they're called.  I even subscribe to a good chunk of them.  But since they've cornered the market I guess I'll try for a bit of inspiration of my own.  Inspiration to see that beauty doesn't only lie in a photograph of a bookshelf from Anthropology, but also in the truth of a painful experience.  I hope that you'll see that the recognition of one's experience in that of another can be just as inspiring.  

Anyway, that being said, here's the next bit.

I ended with me asking LD if he'd go to my sister's wedding with me.  He kindly agreed.  I was still in denial about his feelings for me, and mine for him.  I had just broken up with my last boyfriend and not totally feeling ready to start another relationship.  About a month passed after I asked him.  During that time I succeeded in finishing the master cleanse, which left me about 10 pounds lighter, huzzah!  Nothing will help you get over an old flame (and on to the next) like losing that kind of poundage.  I also found myself having to work harder and harder had supressing the feelings I knew I had for LD, especially when he told me he'd be staying for New Years.  My imagination took me to magical places filled with glitter, ticking clocks, Dick Clark, and a lovely kiss at midnight.  All of that I quickly pushed out of my minds eye as best I could and as often as I could though.  I had no idea how he felt about me, after all.  Despite the fact that this boy would be driving all the way from South Dakota to go to a wedding where he knew aboslutely no one, just for me.  Red flags of infatuation all over the place.  I just didn't want to convice myself of something that may not be there.  

The day of the wedding (I was maid of honor) I had to go out into the crowd to give the groomsmen the ring when I spotted LD.  I really wasn't even supposed to be out of the bridal room so I was a little flustered by all the  "oohs," "ahhs," and hugs.  But when I saw him, and the way he looked at me, everything stalled.  I walked up to him, gave him a hug, and he whispered "you look wonderful."  Butterflies exploded.

The ceremony went on without a hitch.  I had him arranged to sit with my Dad's sisters during the ceremony, knowing they were a chatty bunch and would take good care of him, in hopes it wouldn't be that awkward for him.  *Notice the difference in attitudes at the weddings. I truly went out of my way to make sure he was taken care of and comfortable.  I'm not sure that could really be said on his part.*

After the ceremony we danced and danced and danced.  We took some pretty hilarious pictures, especially the candid ones of us trying to figure out the electric slide.  I had finally met someone who was as inept at doing line dances as I was.  Be still my beating heart.

Afterwards he helped clean up a bit, which really was above and beyond.  All these signs pointed towards him really have feelings for me, all of which I intentionally ignored.  Him living in South Dakota had a lot to do with that.  Deep down I knew that starting something with him wouldn't end well.

Later I walked him to his car, hands lingering in each other's a little longer than they might for platonic friends.  I hugged him and he hugged me back, tight.  There was something of a pent up energy both of us had.  We both felt really strongly for the other person but neither was willing to admit it.  The logistics were just bad and we both knew it.  It wouldn't end well.  It wouldn't end well.

A few days later it was New Years Eve.  I had a bunch of parties lined up and several differen obligations, including LD.  I had to go to my aunts, first and foremost.  They are amazing, I would never turn down a party ivnitation from them.  And then my two best friends had party invites we had to make apearences at.  None of us were willing to give any up or go separate ways so we just ended up stressing each other out and not making it to most of them.  We hardly made it to any, actually.  LD's friends were having a party at their house too.  I desperatlely wanted to make it to the midnight hour with him.  It was getting harder and harder to push those glittery thoughts away.  He actually said he'd go to my aunts with me, and possibly some of the other parties as well, as long as he could end up at his friends at some point.  It was nearly impossibly to deny that he had feelings for me at that point. 

After my aunts we went to a bar to meet up with some friends and friends.  It was here that we both gave up all our hang ups, fears and insecurities.  LD was feeling a little awkward around my friends, I could tell.  I tried to pull him into the conversation the best I could, but when you get a bunch of girls that have known each other for years and years, it's hard to explain th einside jokes, it's hard to explain them all, let alone make them seem funny for anyone else.

Somewhere along the course of conversation, our hands met each other under the table and didn't let go until we had to stand up and the rest of the bar could see us.  We were barely willing to acknowledge what was going on to each other, let alone the whole bar.  

I was lucky enough to be able to spend the midnight hour with him.  We went back to his friends house.  They were having a party which was... well it wasn't what my friends and I were used.  No one really talked to us (pattern?), LD was spread thin between them and us, and no one was really into the whole "New Years" thing.  I personally love New Years.  I love counting down and screaming and hugging and playing Auld Lang Syne in a  way that makes me want to cry for all the memories I would be leaving along with the old year and for all the new memories yet to come in the 2009.  

This group of people, though, not so much.  No one counted, no ball was dropped, and I'm pretty sure we just made up an ambiguous time to count down.  I didn't care though, because by the time our little group got to midnight, LD grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes intently, drew me close and kissed me.  Our first kiss was in the first moments of the new year.  I couldn't think of anything more perfect.

It just goes to show even the most perfect of circumstances can lead to the most painful of endings.  More on that later.

{photo found here}