Wouldn't you like to hear about my relationship problems some more? Oh good, I'm so glad!
We last left our characters (Me, being the easily wooed fair maiden and Mr. Long Distance being the well meaning, devastatingly handsome yet flawed non-hero) on New Years Eve. At midnight he grabbed my hand and kissed me. Our kiss, our new found love, brought in a new 365 days. In our minds it would last, and surpass, those days. We were infatuated. He left the next afternoon to go back to South Dakota. Both of us had no idea what we had gotten ourselves into. I had never had a long distance relationship before and he had only been in one before, and it was terribly unsuccessful. All we knew was how hard it was to fight back those feelings and how right it was when we just gave up and gave in to each other.
Long distance relationships are fun and exciting.... at first. We texted most of the time and talked on the phone the rest. There was always something to say, some mushy anecdote to send to the other person, and oh they never got old. I could've gotten a million "sending you a thousand air kisses watch out!" and never be satisfied. (Ok, yeah, looking back, most of it was over the top and cheesy, which also means it may not have been genuine, but I was so head over heels for this guy I didn't care. The cheesier the better. Our relationship was like Macaroni and Cheese). I would sometimes think about what a great story this would be if we ever had grand kids (yeah, mind jumped a head a little bit there. Don't judge me). He would send me letter with poems he wrote for me, and I would write him back with the most elegant prose I could muster.
I made plans to go to South Dakota three months after he left. At the time I booked the flight, I didn't really give it a second thought. I was that comfortable with him, and missed him that much. But when I told my friend SP (a fellow romantic, writer, and dreamer) about LD and the trip, she looked at me with something of disbelief, fear, and esteem.
"You mean, you're going to a state you've never been before and where you know no one but a guy you, honestly, barely know. Wow, you're gutsy!"
At the time I just poo-pooed her and said "Well yeah! It's going to be great and I miss him so much I just can't wait." I was so confident about it all, I was impressing even me.
Let's flash forward to about 3 days before I left.
I was freaking out. I absolutely did NOT want to go anymore.
When someone asked why I said "Because I'm going to a state I've never been before, where I know no one but a guy I, honestly, barely know! What am I doing?"
It finally hit me that I was taking a big leap. I knew that I really liked this guy, but I had only ever seen him in my state, basically on my terms, when I always had a way to leave if I needed one. Now I was going to a place where I would be powerless, with absolutely no control over anything. Not that I really thought I'd be in any danger. No, I like to think my intuition is a little better than that, but I would be meeting all of his family and best friends and South Dakota is a pretty wildernessy place. I am not a wildernessy girl. Not in the slightest.
So, before my flight took off, before I was even at the airport, I was in the middle of a full fledged anxiety attack that would literally carry me through the entire trip. I had my moments of calm, mostly while I was sleeping, which wasn't much, because, what if I snored or my mouth was open or *gasp* tooted in my sleep? It was way too much to enter into any sort of REM cycle.
And here in lies the main problem with our relationship, and yes, I will admit it was mostly my fault. I felt way too much for him, way too soon, that it led to constant anxiety attacks when I was around him. Anxiety has always been something I've desperately struggled with but I refuse to take medication until i can afford therapy to go along with it. Yes, I am being self destructive on principle, damn it. Anxiety attacks aren't like panic attacks which are quick, dramatic and totally visible and evident to everyone around you. Anxiety attacks are much more self-contained. I've gotten quite good at hiding them, only leaving the observer with the idea that I'm bitchy, closed off, and unemotional, when really I'm desperately trying to catch a breath and get my mind out of an anxious haze. It was because of this anxiety that I couldn't really partake in a real relationship with him. More often than not, when we were in the same state, we were silent. I would try so hard to think of something to say and never could, because my body was in survival mode. You know Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? Yeah, breathing comes way before trying to make witty conversation with flirtatious undertones.
There was a moment, I can't remember which state we were in at the time, when we were sitting next to each other in his car and I just thought, "When is he going to realize that he is wasting his time with me? When is he going to realize that we have no business being together. I am nothing compared to him." It sounds so over the top, so pathetic, and not something I enjoy admitting, but it's where my mind was. So insecure that not even a million cheesy text messages about air kisses could change my mind.
If you couple my strong feelings for him with my extreme insecurities and the steady flow of new people ("best friends") I was supposed to meet and impress, you get a severely inhibited Sarah. Looking back, I'm surprised he put up with me as long as he did.
I did tell him once about how I was in a constant anxiety attack the entire time I was in South Dakota the first time, hoping that maybe he would be more in tune with it, that if he saw I was distant or shut off around his friends (or around him for that matter) he could understand and ask if I was ok. He never did, and I can't blame him for that. Who wants to coddle an anxiety ridden girl every time they go out? Like I said, I'm surprised he put up with me as long as he did.
This saga is coming to close. The end is coming next.
(I'm sorry that sounds so ominous)
{side note: I hated 5oo Days of Summer and feel a little dirty for using that title, but it just fits}
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